MUM 😳
MERRY CHRISTMAS TO YOU TOO.
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I would like to see the USA go metric before I die just so I can enjoy the outrage that would follow.
ME: *burps a little under my breath*
MY 5YO: [from 3 rooms away] say ‘excuse me’
My kiddo came into my room, kissed my forehead and said “I’m sorry you’re fat.”
How’s your morning?
Marriot: We charge about $400 a night
The Ritz: We charge about $1100 a night
Any American Hospital: You fools. You absolute peasants
Girls want a bad boy to fix.
Boys want a good girl to corrupt.
Me? I just want a rumbustious monkey as a butler.
[ice cream parlor]
WIFE: I’ll have two scoops of vanilla
ME: me too, u could say I want an
WIFE AND CLERK: please don’t
ME: ice cream clone
things a whale might end an email with:
-i hope this email finds you whale
-best fishes
-may your days be full of peace and krillthings a whale probably wouldn’t end an email with:
-f*** y**
-you’re d*****t
-i am going to find and kill you
Vin Diesel memes still relevant? Ok.
it started as a virus but mutated into an IQ test
Grasping the ungraspable with Gorilla Glue. Now it’s mine. Forever. Oh.
There are certain people who assume that I’m intelligent.
These people aren’t aware that I cannot tear off perforated paper.
Oh hey mom. Yeah the date went fine, I think she liked my jorts bc she kept glancing at them
[family therapy]
JIMMY: My dad turns everything into a movie reference
DOC: Why do you do that?
ME: I want to develop a bond, James. Bond
Walked into my living room and found my 4 yr old watching tv and eating pizza
Me: bud, why are you eating pizza?
4: I was hungry
Me: well, yeah. I mean it’s 7am, why didn’t you grab a yogurt or something?
4: because there was pizza
I told someone my name and they said, “That’s unusual. You don’t hear that every day.”
Actually, I do.
Me: Come quick! I’ve created a reservoir for pet Dutch rodents!
Wife: I don’t like where this is going.
Me: I call it a Hamster Dam.
Wife: I’ll be at the bar
Dumbledore: the mirror of erised shows your deepest desires.
Harry: *tearing up* i’m with my mom
Snape: omg same
God: you can breathe underwater!
Fish: nice.
God: also eat and drink underwater.
Fish: so where do I go to the bathroom?
God:
Fish: just on the land or something?
Ew, there is no way I’m touching that hand sanitizer dispenser.
me: father’s day means so much to us single dads
wife: uhhh…we’re married
me: right, but I’m the only dad
My wife and I are going to be super bummed if we don’t get a good grade on our daughter’s science fair project.
Kids have it rough these days. Alexa wasn’t responding to my son , so he had to change the volume on his commercial-free, on-demand show by physically pressing buttons on the remote control.
Coffee for people with no kids
if you mesopotamia, you better cleanupotamia
Like a kite stuck in a tree, I too am stuck in a tree
My neighbor has a huge warehouse/shop and is alway in there banging away on something or doing stuff but never really producing anything. I just know that one day Dateline is going to interview me and ask if I knew what was going on in there…
toddler: Lets go get a cake
wife: Why?
toddler: It’s somebody’s birthday somewhere
me *grabbing my keys* Can’t argue with that
Sorry my emotional support panther ate your emotional support peacock.