HER: Shake what your momma gave you!
ME: *Tosses around crippling anxiety and male pattern baldness*
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interviewer: one last question, name the coldest place on earth?
me: my ex’s heart
interviewer:
me:
interviewer: [holding back tears] you’re hired !!!
Wife: Who’s your favorite mom?
4-year-old: You!
Me: Who’s your favorite dad?
4: Mom.
So close.
Them: thanks for the anti-perspirant
Me: no sweat
One good thing about astrology, I can tweet something mean about astrology and astrology Twitter is cool with it. Like I can say, “Cut it out, astrology, you’re embarrassing the planets,” and it gets retweeted 10,000 times, and astrology Twitter is just like: “Are you a Scorpio?”
*walks up to girl working on her laptop in a cafe*
So you into computers?
*Toddler walks up, kisses my knee, turns away*
“Aw! Aren’t you sweet?”
*Toddler kisses refrigerator, cabinet door and dishwasher*
“Oh.”
Do you think in a parallel universe they just call it parking?
Wife [walking into house]: Ummm..
Me: [recreating “You Better Shape Up Scene” from Grease with my dog dressed as Sandy]: You’re home early.
Scurvy, resistance is fruit aisle.
Every change you make in life starts with crafting clothes for nuns. It’s all about creating habits.
Me in high school: WHY AM I SPENDING AN HOUR A DAY LEARNING ABOUT A SUBJECT THAT WON’T HELP ME IN REAL LIFE?
Me now: Oh boy a new episode of my podcast about dolphin social hierarchies
Are we Thor yet?
Are we Thor yet?
Are we Thor yet?
Are we Thor yet?– How to annoy an Avenger when you’re on a road trip.
My wife got four more Christmas presents for the dog than she did for me.
I would never raise a hand to my children, but I do occasionally gift them an exploding cigar to evidence displeasure.
When I eat spaghetti I always check both ends of the noodle so I don’t accidentally kiss a dog.
No one has a bigger death wish than a 10yo spying on her older sister while her sister is talking to a boy.
My autistic son just referred to my pellet grill as an outside oven.
I’m proud of him and incredibly insulted at the same time.
My children are arguing over who gets to sleep on the top bunk. We don’t have bunk beds.
Who called it Thanksgiving and not the Nightmare before Christmas?
“I don’t have to outrun the bear! Just you!” Wrong. Bears are so sick of that joke, they skip the slow guy and eat the fast guy now.
[Walking thru a dark alley late at night]
Thug: This is an arm robbery!
Me: Don’t u mean “armed” robbery?
Thug: *takes out chainsaw* Nope
It’s bad enough that I have to die someday, having my whole life flash before my eyes first just seems excessive
my family doesn’t play board games at Christmas anymore since that one year my sister ripped a Monopoly board in half and Risk caused a divorce
Wife: *through tears* An 11 foot tombstone seems a bit excessive
Funeral director: Ma’am, your husband was adamant in his wish to list his favorite breakfast cereals ranked by prize quality
[driving] Goddamn pedestrians
[walking] Goddamn drivers
[both] Goddamn cyclists
Interviewer: It says in your CV that you are quick at maths. What is 23 x 39?
Me: 69.
Interviewer: That’s not even close.
Me: No, but it was quick, isn’t it?
Whenever somebody asks me what my hobby is, there is a long uncomfortable pause and then I back away until I can’t see them anymore.