Doggy day care is like a regular day care except you have to enter from the rear.
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Good news: My son cleaned his room
Bad news: He found his harmonica
I was playing COD when me and this kid started arguing… then this kid started giggling, and said Wendy’s. Without thinking I said “Wendy’s?” I got hit with the loudest “Wendy’s balls hit your forehead bitch” Ive never left a lobby so fast in my life.
day 1: we’re in this together babe.
day 47: i can hear you breathing.
Appliance salesman: *slaps roof of microwave*
this bad boy can fit so many waves in it
Luke is so old now he just uses the Force to keep the neighborhood kids off his lawn
I can’t understand a damn word this accent pillow is saying.
Mistakes married men make:
1. Doing things.
2. Not doing things.
3. Thinking about doing things.
4. Not thinking about doing things.
Ok people, they don’t need to see your car from space- it might be time to tone down those headlights a little bit.
Used to tell my kids that I had underwear older than them but now that the kids are 21 and 24, I’ve stopped. Also, to be fair, they’re not much more than waistbands now.
Are rhetorical questions really necessary?
🍞🦆
LIVING WITH A ROOMMATE
• difficult to find someone cool
• their friends might ask to stay overLETTING RATS TAKE OVER YOUR ENTIRE APARTMENT
• easy to find rats
• they will never complain about what you make for dinner
• people will NOT ask to stay over
Caesar: You will be forced to fight to the death
Gladiator: Hell yeah
Madiator: well this is bullshit
This Valentine’s Day, make sure to make it extra awkward by playing “All By Myself” on full blast in your car while eating and sobbing into a bucket of fried chicken when you’re waiting at red lights.
A fun game is to put on an orange vest and direct traffic.
ME: A man stole my phone and rode away on a horse
COP: Ok [opens notebook] can you give a description?
ME: It’s like a big, fast dog
I’ve always had a soft spot in my heart for female T-Rex because the tampon insertion must’ve been really difficult.
How to find out if you old.
(Fall down in front of a group of people.)
If they laugh, you are young.
If they panic, you are old.
me, realizes 5 is hiding behind the couch: what are you doing back there?
5: nothing…I don’t have scissors
My family crest is a hand protectively shielding a slice of pie and a Latin motto that translates as “I’m still working on it.”
#rubbishjokes
Watched all Star Wars movies back to back with my friend.Luckily I was the one facing the TV.
what jerk ever looked at a hamburger and thought “you know what this needs? A nice, soft, warm piece of lettuce.”
*An elf cop pulls Frodo riding an ent over*
Elf Cop: Where ya going?
Frodo: To throw a ring into a volcano!
EC: Step out of the treehicle
me
wife
me
wife
me: I didn’t know it was for you
wife [covered in soda because I shook the can up when my kid asked for one]
‘Perfectly preserved 90s Burger King’ is the result I want from a skincare product
Women will never truly be equal as long as they’re smarter than men.
*first day as a hair stylist
“STOP SCREAMING ABOUT THE BLOOD! THAT’S WHY WE PUT THE APRON ON YOU!”
people really have no faith in me – i told my co-worker, “i had to have coke this morning for a little pick me up” … another co-worker heard me and was like, “what? you did a line before school?”
*in case you all don’t have the faith either – it was a can of coca cola
Him: Are you perioding?
Me: Are you deathwishing?
If I had a dollar for every time my dad questioned my sexuality I could afford a bad ass Harley and probably some super cute riding boots