January is lasting longer than my marriage
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My 1-year-old has been beeping at me all morning.
I thought there was something wrong with her.
Turns out she’s being R2-D2.
I got 99 problems and they’re all friend requests from people I didn’t like in high school.
I just want a woman with the face of Katy Perry and the feet of Fred Flintstone.
The corona virus should mutate into something nice for a change
When coining nicknames, be sure it reflects how that person has impacted your life. For example, my two sons Buzzkill and Third Mortgage.
That kid looks like me. Somebody should warn him.
[god creating sharks]
angel: what is this?
god: *wearing ‘live every week like it’s shark week’ shirt* I just want this to make sense
My wife told me, “I look really fat. Please make me feel better and compliment me.”
I said, “You have perfect eyesight.”
I eat my Chinese food just like any other American, with chopsticks, one grain of rice at a time.
[on a date]
*wonders if she’ll steal my fries while I use the restroom*
*shakes Magic 8 ball*
“YES”
*takes plate of fries with me*
Want to feel old? This is what the vampires from Buffy the Vampire Slayer look like now.
I’ve experienced anxiety, unhappiness and heartache but that’s nothing compared to the sheer primal terror I feel when the cat needs a bath.
I’m not a cyber-bully but I did change my WiFi network name to “I CAN SEE WHAT YOU ARE GOOGLING STEVE”. Sleep well neighbor. Sleep well.
Cashier: how old r u?
Me:*holding beer nervously* uuh 21
Cashier:*shaking his head sadly as he pulls Trix out of my cart* Trix are for kids.
[squirrel meeting]
Chief Squirrel: everyone, I suspect someone among us is an infiltrator
Owl: hoo
Chief Squirrel: (solemnly) that’s what we’re trying to find out Owen
My family was totally confused tonight because there’s a candle lit that smells like a cake is baking without burning
I don’t do that
WIFE: can you preheat the oven?
ME: you mean heat it
WIFE: not this again
ME: it can’t be heated before it’s heated. don’t give me that look
*calls bullshit
Bullshit: Who gave you my number.
Hubby wanted to start the new year out with a bang – So I shot him..
Just saw an ad for a local psychic fair. I’m not planning to go, but I guess they already know that
[ bad kitty ]
me: cut it out
cat: ?
me: stop it
cat: ?
me: knock it off
cat: now we’re talking
Me: i’ll have a Dr.Pepper
Waiter: is Mr.Pibb ok?
Me: is he a doctor?
*shakes the ATM like it’s a vending machine*
*job interview*
“Tell me about a time when you made a positive impact in your organization.”
I quit
You’re like a first job.
No one likes you but at least you’re a learning experience.
Me: Welcome back to Fishin’ with Jesus. We only caught two fish so far-
Jesus: [standing on water] Count those fish again *winks at camera*
Just once I’d like to run into Kanye and refer to him as Kanye Davidson just to see his head explode.
I’m a simple woman. I don’t need fancy things like jewelry or sanity to be happy.