Crying on the way home from visiting my kid at college.
I miss her already but mostly I’m crying because she took all the money from my purse.
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I don’t use commas in my tweets I am a rebel without a pause
Why did they call it K-pop and not Seoul music?
“I’m in the best shape of my life!” -Newborn baby
Recreational running is the muggle equivalent of drinking unicorn blood. Sure, you’ll probably live longer, but at a terrible price.
WHY DOES EVERYONE ON DATING APPS LIKE HIKING SO MUCH
This gratitude journal looks a lot like a grocery list.
My kids had to work extra hard this morning but they were able to get the clean house back to it’s normal messy state just in time for the guests to arrive.
#IStartedLaughingWhen I found out WHY my phone storage was full..
cop: did u see the speed limit sign
me: of course
cop:
me: but not u
Break into your neighbor’s house every night but don’t take anything just put a cape on their dog
MILLION DOLLAR IDEA: An alarm clock that sounds like a dog’s pre-puke warning grunts.
Whenever I go to a restaurant without my kids, I feel like something is missing…
DOES ANYONE NEED THEIR TUSHY WIPED?!
[pulling sword out of stone] now I am the rightful king of all England [sword keeps coming out] what the hell [colored handkerchiefs fly from the stone] oh no it’s as I’ve feared [clowns around me take a knee]
This did not end as expected.
[Pulled over]
Officer: license and registra- oh wow
Me *shirt covered in blood* hey buddy, my eyes are up here
Me: I love these lazy Sundays.
Boss: It’s Tuesday. Get off my couch and out of my office. And for Christ’s sake, put some clothes on!
How do people who don’t have a cat know when a ghost has entered the room?
COP: You seen an escaped evil octopus?
ME: No
COP: [looks up] Nice chandelier
ME: Thanks
COP: Why is it wet?
ME: Um
COP: And holding 8 guns?
[Busy Diner]
Waitress carrying 4 plates: “OK now, honey. Who was eggs?”
Me (highly educated): “In a sense…” (scrunching up eyes to read her name badge) ”…Barbara. All of us were once eggs.”
me: [holding my cat like a baby] the apocalypse is here
cat: [scratches me]
me: no. we must remain calm
Me: Hey, look, I can’t stay long, I’ve got a cab downstairs.
Her: You took a cab?
Me: I’m gonna give it back!
Remember how judgey we thought we’d be if our kid said “wow! My teacher drinks a lot”
i hate you platonically
[Commercial for Disneyland]
Are you sunburnt and broke? Want to?
I never slashed an enemy’s tires, but once I wrote “Your mean” on his dirty back window, misspelling “You’re” just to mess with his head.
I always text a girl 5 minutes after our first date ended and say ~ “I haven’t given up on us.”
Wrapping gifts and one kid has more than the other so to even it up I hope she likes this bag of potatoes.
*puts up baby gates all around the outside of my house*
There. That should keep ’em out.
The cool thing about having young kids is that they will straight up tell you which parent they love more without anyone even asking.