The best way to stop uninvited guests from stopping by your home is to always answer the door naked.
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Every time I go into my boss’ office she tells me “take a seat”. I have 14 now.
me, when I was a centaur and dropped a contact
Smears cigarette ashes on forehead so I can show up late for work.
You: I’m combining breakfast and lunch. Brunch.
Me: I’m combining wine and dinner. Winner
A master’s degree gives you the ability to speak with withering authority about why you didn’t finish your Ph.D.
Remember, if you start with, “It’s crazy to think…” you can say whatever you want.
I don’t know, just add a romantic vampire.
~The 2000’s
If anyone is missing a cup it’s probably in my daughter’s room
Instead of a happy ending the masseuse gave me an indie movie ending. She stopped suddenly at a random point and left everything unresolved.
Ted Mosby, in the year 2030, told the story of how he met his children’s mother and HE NEVER MENTIONED THE CORONAVIRUS ONCE
I accidentally replied “worries” instead of no worries and it was the first honest email I’ve ever sent.
Do zombies go to heaven when they die?
I hope so.
There’s lots of nice people up there to eat.
Answers phone, makes modem noises…
How the button came off my shirt.
A thread.
My son’s girlfriend always peels out of the driveway like a car chase from the Rockford Files.
I admire her spirit, but I have to live with my neighbors.
Caught myself talking to my dog and felt pretty dumb.
I totally forgot that I’m pissed at him for forgetting my birthday.
*glances up from GameBoy*
SO ANYWAYS THIS IS THE FIRST DATE I’VE BEEN ON IN A WHILE, HOW ‘BOUT YOU?
Me carrying the weight of being the funniest person in my whole family
-Balderdash!
-Codswallop!
-Tommyrot!
-Poppycock!Victorian Era YouTube comments
My dad went from “no man is good enough for my little girl” to “would you just pick one already? Jobs aren’t even that important” real quick
Friend: What time is it?
Me: (pulls out phone, checks Twitter and Facebook notifications, puts phone away)
Friend: Well?
Me: Well what?
If a dragon flew overhead right now, I’d be surprised but not surprised surprised
hate those people that go 15+ years without talking to you and then the first thing they say when they see you is “hows your mom?” like, dude,, youre my dad, you should know
You can’t give me a mini fan at work and expect me not to spend the whole morning pretending I’m a model doing a photo shoot. It’s science.
Well, like I said to my television the other day. “How can these people be so stupid?!?”
😏😏😏
[Grandma’s funeral]
(Turning to friend) She knitted that whole coffin
“Welcome to lazy club. My name i-*doors get kicked in*
“THIS IS A ROBBERY! NOBODY MOVE!”
[voice from the back] “Nobody was going to.”
nyc: