Say sliders to drugs
Say no to yes
You Might Also Like
Daughter:What’s a whore?
Me:Not now.
Daughter I’ll ask my aunt.
Me:You’re getting warm.
Daughter:Mom will know.
Me: You’re on fire!
Why didn’t they call it Guardians of the Galaxthree
I’ve just been wearing a towel for 5 days so everyone thinks I showered.
I like my women like I like my glasses: thick, transparent, and uneven
STEVE: you misspelled my name
ME: Oh uh it’s a joke
LATER, TO STOVE: I’ll make you another cake when he leaves
SON: Daddy, how come our snowman hasn’t melted, like everyone else’s?
ME: Because it’s made from leftover mashed potato son.
Happy birthday to rapper Pitbull who is 34 today, or 238 in dog years for all the other Pitbulls.
THEM: Don’t you want to have a baby?
ME: No thanks, I’m full
Rule: If thou has a Macbook, thou shall always taketh photos of objects with the Macbook in the background.
Hey people who say “look at our new baby”,
thanks for clarifying that because my initial reaction was to ask where you got the used baby
My girlfriend broke up with me because I kept saying “it’s a-me” before introducing myself to people
Lying dead in a closed coffin at my funeral, and yet somehow I still manage to spill mustard on my shirt.
Day number 3 without coffee: Lost hearing in my left eye.
being an adult is just complaining how tired you are and then staying up till 3am reading r/aita
My favorite act of vengeance is befriending your dad and convincing him that dread locks would look cool on him.
If it turns out there is a Heaven and Hell, I’m still screwed. I owe people in both places a lot of money.
[1st time doing the sex]
her: wanna get on top
me: uh, sure
[later]
me: [from the roof] are u…are u coming up
DATE: you smell so nice – what are you wearing?
ME: Febreeze
Before NASA sent Curiosity, Mars was bustling with cats.
What was the first thing you remember seeing on TV that made you cry? (I mean a scripted show, not a news report.)
ugh not again
*requests to be buried in jaws of T-Rex skeleton so it looks like I went out fighting*
[wife holding box of mac & cheese] the powder packet is missing, weird
[me holding large glass of what looks like orange milk] that is weird
Cop: freeze sucker
Me: it’s called a popsicle
Highly Misleading Pictures That Will Make You Need To Look Twice At To Understand
[Pulled over]
Officer: license and registra- oh wow
Me *shirt covered in blood* hey buddy, my eyes are up here
the problem with being 39 is i don’t feel old but also everywhere i go plays the music too loud
I don’t want the baby mountain goat to die but I don’t want the snow leopard to starve. Why do we even watch these nature shows?
the next time u see a fork in the road, just try to remeber that at least, no mater wat u did, u werent the person who tried to eat the road
*hears giggling kids
7: Then baby cows can just walk into my house!
Me (in the bathroom): WHAAAAT?