Me: I’m terrible at fractions
Also me, at work: In another 23 minutes I’ll be 64/73rds through the day
You Might Also Like
On any given microwave, there’s only one button to me. It doesn’t matter what I’m cooking I just keep hammering popcorn until it’s done.
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: *pretending I’m asleep so he has to carry me up to my bed*
COP: Oh dang
Forget sex. Try to explain economy to a child
me: *filling up my car with gas*
guy next to me: the gas is supposed to go in the tank
me, pulling the pump out of the window: i don’t own a tank i only have this car
Me: Nice abs, bro
Gym bruh: Uh, thanks?
Me: *pulling a sheet cake from my gym bag* Be a shame if something were to happen to them
Sorry, baby. My phone number is older than you.
First child: Eats yogurt.
Second child: Smears yogurt all over face, finger paints with yogurt on table, and gives the dog a moisturizing yogurt mask.
I picked up good pizza and took it to Little Caesars to show it what happens to bad pizza.
I guess “Victoria’s Secret Angel” does sound better than “flightless pantybird”
If you walk around in knight’s armor long enough, people will just get used to it.
You can’t simply wear purple corduroys, you must sport them
I know it’s wrong to label people, but since I bought my label-maker it’s all I can think about.
Me: “ahhh there’s the money shot”
Sniper: would you get your chin off my shoulder?
Once I saved 10 kittens from a burning building and yes all the people died but look how cute they are
Ladies. Even the most mundane chore is better in a Princess Leia costume.
Why is Iron Man’s arch nemesis not Wrinkle Man?
A lonely rooster sees neon sign flashing HOT CHICKEN STRIPS, walks into Popeyes and cringes in horror as he drops his dollar bills
I like to reassure my wife that even though I don’t have huge muscles she is always safe with me cause I’m a really loud screamer.
ME: Let’s go get some chicks
[later]
FRIEND: This isn’t what I had in mind
ME: Shhh *carefully places tophat on baby chicken* this is Abe
Son: When did you have your first self-own?
Me: I made fun of another kid in my class for not knowing what sex was and then I said it meant “whether you’re a girl or a boy” and everyone laughed at me
Son: No, your first CELL-PHONE
I told a server I’m going to New York this weekend, so when I left he said “have a good time in New York!” and I said “you too!” so long story short, he’s coming to New York with me.
Interviewer: Is it true you are the first duck to be made a duke?
Duck: Please address me as ‘M’llard’
Christmas can be really hard for single people. Everyone else is having a brilliant time and we have to hide the fact that every day is like that for us.
I don’t sit on the floor without a detailed plan on how to get back up
[Headless Horseman birthday party]
HEADLESS HORSEMAN: [opens present] Another hat? Haha guys okay I get it you can cut it out now.
My husband ran 13 miles this morning for fun. I had cookies for breakfast. It’s nice to be the sane one for a change.
I just want to bring your heart to it’s knees.
… And while you’re down there…
Birds are UFOs if you are not a birdwatcher
OK so apparently “psychosis” is one word, and doesn’t specifically refer to my female sibling.
Catfishing my ex… So you could say we’re back together.