1 year ago today, the world ended. RIP everyone.
You Might Also Like
*puts words between two asterisks*
was Jim off killing horses or…
DOG (watching me stuff my face): Let the Cheez-Its hit the floor. Let the Cheez-Its hit the floor. Let the Cheez-Its hit the–
ME: Ope…
Interviewer: It says here you’re interested in waterfowl genealogy.
Me: I became fascinated with the subject when I noticed that both Daffy Duck and Donald Duck share the same family name and both their names begin with D.
Interviewer:
Me: And neither wears pants
Cat: HUMAN IS TIME 2 DO A NEGOTIATE
Me: ok
Cat: IF U LET CAT EAT JUST ONE PLASTIC CAT WILL PROTECT U FROM SPIDERS
Me: I’m sorry but you can’t eat plastic, it’s really bad for you
Cat: FINE. U AM CHOOSE WAR
Me:
Cat:
Me: where are you going
Cat: MAKE ALLIANCE WITH SPIDERS
Went to a bar. Ordered a drink. Waiter served it without ice. So I called him again & asked for it.
I kept sipping my drink while waiting for ice. By the time the waiter came with ice, I had finished my drink.
Moral of the story:
Just ice delayed is just ice denied.
Ben: I’m trying to read, you’re in my light
Me: Because I am a Solo eclipse!
Ben: Dad I swear to-
Me: I am blocking the light of the son!
I don’t always announce myself on conference calls but when I do it’s always at the exact same time as somebody else.
THE QUEEN IS BEING REBOOTED SOMEONE STOP THEM.
waking up to good morning texts from your partner is great and all, but have you ever woken up to a message from Amazon confirming that your package will be delivered today?
I’ll bet when Godzilla first came out, God was like “Damn, that name’s way cooler.”
I accidentally said erotic instead of erratic and I guess I’m attracted to squirrels now.
Having pets adds 5 years to your life. Have thousands of pets, never stop owning pets. Become immortal. Laugh as your foes grow old and die
new tattoo]
them: cool! what is it?
me: it’s an abstract depiction of beauty; the juxtaposition of the lyrical and the grotesque[after 50 people had asked]
them: what is it?
me: it’s a squirrel
*getting caught filling up neighbor’s trash can*
Omg Karen, I just looove your trash can! Where did you get it?
They don’t tell you that it is perfectly legal to swim out into the ocean, grab whatever fish you can, & eat it on the way back
Today is 3 wks in quarantine w/o sugar. Walking 3 miles a day, no meat, dairy or flour! I feel great! No alcohol & vegan diet! A 2 hr home workout everyday. Lost 14 lbs & gained muscle mass! I have no idea whose tweet this is but I’m proud of them so I decided to copy & paste it!
The way my mom slapped the TV remote not only did it start working it gave up its dreams and is studying to become an engineer
Sometimes I think about starting a podcast and then I remember all I do during conversations is nod.
“Nope, not touching that… what else you got?”
-Me, as a therapist
This morning my husband crooned “How’s my beautiful girl today” and I was feeling pretty damn good until I realized he was talking to the dog.
“Do you believe in past lives?”
I don’t even believe in the life I’m currently living.
Secretly the cops in Gotham City must be like “Seriously, Batman, if you want to use guns, none of us mind. We’re all cool with it”.
‘You’re beautiful and I love you,” I yelled as I stood alone on the cliff, and my echo replied “I just want to be friends.”
Avoid unwanted pregnancies by using the “pull out” method where you pull out an acoustic guitar at a party & no one will have sex with you.
HER: have you decided where you’re going to live
ME: I’m still on the fence
HER: that’s why I asked
Some people will tell you mosquitoes and spiders play an important role in nature and I’m here to tell you we don’t need those people either
In space, no one can hear your spouse chew.
Spring is coming – I bet the trees will be releaved.
Before you take advice from me… you should know I walk around my house in my underwear while complaining about being cold.