“…and use only your finest microwaves.”
– me, trying to impress my date at Applebee’s
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I was fired from the zoo for exploding the budget, but I still think the giraffes look pretty great in those turtleneck sweaters.
HER: so what do you do?
ME: i’m a mathemagician
HER: you mean a mathematician?
ME: [divides by zero] no
ranch dressing should be somehow condensed and solidified into fry shapes and fries should be pureed into a dipping sauce for them. assassins from every government on the planet are converging on my apartment as I type
I do not want to cook the books
I do not like the charge you took
Reverse it now, end the scam
Before we hear from Uncle SamDr Seuss’s CPA
When you stop being a vegan –
is it called losing your veganity ?
You’re not a geek or a nerd because you always have to have the latest high tech gadgets and electronics. YOU’RE RICH
Brain: You’re getting older.
Heart: No!! Age is just a number!!
Nose Hair: Shut up guys, I’m in charge now.
Wish I could cry like movie people with one graceful tear tracking down my face instead of looking like a tomato that fell on the floor.
*standing next to a wheelbarrow full of BBQ sauce*
Look, no one is arguing that the zoo fire isn’t a horrible tragedy.
Smoking is tricky. it gets me out of bed, it gets me outside. It gets me talking to the boys. It lets me look a little cooler than i should. It satisfies my oral fixation and my desire to fidget. It gives me an excuse to get a little snack at the store. But it’s french,
I don’t know what’s a video game and what’s a movie anymore. I think I was trying to play a movie for a few hours last night.
I have a lot of opinions for someone who is never completely sure of today’s date
That awkward moment when I give a guy a fake phone number and he tries to call it in front of me.. #OhShiiiit
ME: *striking a pose at the end of the runway*
PILOT (over intercom): we’ll take off as soon as this fuckin moron gets out of the way
JOCKEY: “Watch me whip”
HORSE: “Watch me neigh neigh”
Nobody in this meeting knows I have a McChicken in my pocket.
I hate when all the silverware is dirty and I’m down to using the giant decorative fork that hangs on the wall.
Me: Have you tried turning it off and on again?
Helicopter pilot: …no.
O-mi-cron, Becky. Look at that variant.
Friend: What time is it?
Me: November.
by milkshake she means trash and by boys she means raccoons and it’s a real problem in that neighborhood
guy inventing jogging: how can i suffer but with music
[heaven]
IAN: I only regret the things I didn’t do
ME: Me too
I: Like, I didn’t swim with dolphins. You?
M: I didn’t stop poking a bear
gonna have me one of them sexy closed-casket funerals, leave somethin to the imagination
Girl: I like good boys
Me [trying to impress her]: *shapeshifts into a pack of smiley golden retrievers*
me [kidnapped]: do you know how horses are compensated for their work
captor: i don’t care
me: they get paid under the stable
captor: let her go we don’t deserve this kind of trauma
that de-escalated quickly
I didn’t know my apartment shared a wall with the elevator shaft until someone got off in my bedroom.
Saving Private Ryan but it’s just me retrieving my daughters favourite toy that she’s dropped down the toilet