*sneaks into sons room to scare him*
*trips over skateboard*
*steps on something squishy*
*turns light on*
*makes him clean his room*
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Once, I had a dream so bad I threw away the pillow.
robber: give me your wallet
me: do your thing patricia
girl im on a date with who’s profile said she enjoys karaoke but I read it as karate: what?
VITAMIN WATER: we’re like water, but with vitamins
ME: which ones
VITAMIN WATER: well sugar is a vitamin
ME: no it’s not
VITAMIN WATER: what about blue
Omg, do you mind? I’m busy. This dinner isn’t going to peel back plastic, stir and add 3 minutes to itself.
A woman on TV just said the great thing about cupcakes is you can make them with your kids.
Well, I still prefer flour, butter, sugar and eggs
Amazon thinks my recent humidifier purchase was merely the inaugural move in a newfound hobby of humidifier collecting.
Each year millions of innocent lives are lost when they accidentally board the wrong plane bound straight for the waiting mouth of a child.
[god on LSD creating Donald Trump
What if a car alarm that constantly goes off for no reason were a person?
[having house guests]
Me: omg I need to CLEANNN
[30 minutes later]
Me: you know what if they don’t accept my house then they don’t accept ME
Me: Did you finish the banana bread?
16: yep
Me: Great, because it was actually a healthy zucchini bread.
16: THIS HOUSE IS FULL OF LIES!
A dating app for yoga enthusiasts called Get Bent
I can’t seem to convince these dogs & cats that I don’t need their assistance in the bathroom.
boss: you’re late
me: and you are not the father
most villains can be defeeted with a simple bone saw.
Me : One of your friends punched me in the face!
Him : Which one?
Me : I only have one face, Carl.
If you ever come across a bear in the wild, throw a tiny bicycle at him.
Then, just let his circus instincts take care of the rest.
friend: have u seen garfield as spiderman?
me: omg not yet is there a tail hole in his suit??
friend: it’s andrew garf-
me: *nodding, sitting back down* andrew garfield
Me: I need sex, and I need it now…
Her: I understand. You want to be alone.
I’m currently number 43 in a queue on the phone.
Please, your thoughts and prayers during this difficult time.
Ffs
People who look pretty & put together at the airport, how dare you?
Had a big lunch at Taco Bell. Off to the woods to prove a point.
AC changed midlife crisis to kidlife crisis & now 5 is leaving me for a younger dad that drives a sports car
Adult me must concede that a major contributor to global warming was kid me leaving the front door open and heating the whole goddam world.
I dreamt I was turning into a
t-rex. A tiny part of me tried to fight it
My 4yo is in complete shock after she found out her uncle is my brother.
“Don’t stop, don’t stop! Oh god, PLEASE DON’T STOP.” – me to the server grating cheese over my pasta plate
Him: Sometimes I worry about you.
Me: Yeah, I worry about me, too.
In the seconds before I die, I hope I’m allowed to correct someone’s grammar.
I may not believe in Santa, the Easter Bunny or the Great Pumpkin, but these mid-life stabbing pains all over my body have me convinced there are ninjas everywhere.
Quit my job a few years ago because my boss was an idiot. Now I’m self-employed. My boss is still an idiot.