*job interview*
Wonka: Any questions?
Oompa Loompa: So we just go out and start singing whenever a kid dies?
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Things my dating coach and I are working on:
– holding doors open for the ladies
– no karate at the table
– my cursive
– incense sticks are not currency
– drinking milk with only one hand
– not doing jazz hands every time I toot
I want a lady in the streets and a billion dollars
craved ice cream, so I had Greek yogurt with blueberries instead
still craving ice cream except now I’m angry, too
Me: oh the usual- just shedding some skin cells and still fascinated with champagne bubbles and tree bark.
Friend: why can’t you ever just say “fine thanks”?
If anyone finds a twenty dollar bill, it’s mine.
petitioning to change the phrase “gas mileage” to “dinosaur cremation efficiency”
Some woman at my office just said Star Trek when we were all talking about Star Wars and now our IT guy is refusing to fix her computer.
I was looking at my phone and tripped over the dog and we’re both laying in the floor looking at my phone.
Him: where do you wanna go eat?
Me after dropping big glob of bean dip on my shirt and scraping it off with a chip: someplace fancy
An enterprising divorce lawyer would set up a booth on a Sunday at a cut-your-own Christmas tree farm.
So cute how this taxi driver is taking an unnecessarily long route and driving slowly so he gets to spend more time with me.
When a comma gets too high it’s an apostrophe
Once a guy leaned into kiss me and I panicked and flicked him. Then he was like DID YOU JUST- DID YOU? FLICK? ME
And I laughed so hard I cried
So yeah! I’m great at dating
a guy told me his name was Drazen earlier and he did not appreciate me asking if that was short for dried raisin
A diamond is forever, and so is my teen’s grudge against me for giving her a sister and not a brother 10 years ago.
Everyone needs to eat healthier. Except the guy sitting next to me loudly eating an apple. That guy should be in prison.
I’m a new werewolf and I have questions
-where am I going
-do I have to stay up all night I like to go to sleep at 9pm
-is howling at the moon necessary I have sensitive vocal chords
-do i really have to hunt & kill things I have a gluten allergy can I just go to Whole Foods
There’s no “u” in employee. You’re fired.
Kylo Ren: I will finish what you started
Me (running relay race): dude just take the baton
So, apparently, avid cyclists don’t like it when you call them “pedalphiles.”
Met a baby named Phil today. He gave me his business card.
[meeting]
DIRECTOR: I want amazing CGI
PRODUCER: Yes!
D: A huge cast
P: Agreed!
D: Realistic family photos
P: We don’t have the budget
How to numbers:
1: good job!
2: you’re doing it!
7: uhoh
#: that’s not even a number
🐴: wtf?
B: what are you doing?
Woke up to my 8 year old daughter in bed instead of my wife and for a split second, I thought my wife got Benjamin Button-ed.
Why call it a sleeping pill rather than bedicine?
9-1-1 what’s ur emergency
“well i guess it’s that one of my friends changed all of my contacts’ phone numbers to 9-1-1.”
Me: your snowman can look however you like sweetheart
2: *sticks arms in snowman’s head*
Me: not like that
Me:*spends 4hrs comparing gift prices on several sites to save $4*
Also Me: *spends $33 on pizza because I shopped too long to cook $6 chicken*
Ironically the best judge is someone who knows both parties fairly well, and can attest that both parties are idiots.