[crime show]
DETECTIVE: It looks like the guy that inserts dramatic music into our show has been..*Flintstones theme song plays*
Murdered
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Imitation is the sincerest form of crabmeat.
You want me to take a shower? the thing that ended dinosaurs?
Harry Potter & the Deathly Hallows (2011) A bunch of adults trash a high school bc a noseless man thinks a child is better than him at magic
his palms are sweaty, knees weak, palms are sweaty. he forgot his lyrics already, palms are sweaty
doctor: i have the results of your cholesterol test
me: did i pass? haha
doctor: no but you will very soon
ME: If home is where the heart is, I guess I live under a canopy of bloody bones.
DMV WORKER: I’m not putting that on your license.
me: I bet other husbands don’t get put in timeout!
wife: I bet they don’t put their mother-in-law’s phone number on a Craigslist ad either!
I’m guessing the person who decided how to spell “queue” and “okay” got paid by the letter.
[walks in to UPS store holding rabid raccoon]
Hi my boyfriend said he wants to take a break so I’d like to ship him this please.
Practice self-care like a mummy, wrap your body tightly with a blanket & put an ancient curse on anyone who disturbs you.
I honestly don’t have time for subtweets.
Especially from you-know-who.
“Here’s Ted with the weather.”
“…”
“I said… Here’s Ted with the weather.”
“…”
“Ted?”
“THAT’s what an unanswered text feels like, Sue.”
What I really need is a visit from the ghost of christmas don’t cut your own bangs.
[crane rental company]
Customer: *holding 25-pound bird* what the hell is this
Me: [dies in the living room]
Dad: He never liked following directions
Guy: “Lesbians! Awesome! Can I watch?”
Me: “Errr. Sure?”
*bundles him into the car and makes him drive around for five hours while we buy some timber and succulents and choose a rescue kitten from the shelter*
Normalize answering the phone by saying, “Caller, you’re on the air.”
Me: I’m so happy we are the first married astronauts to land on the moon
[later]
Wife: pass me the rock sample bags
Me: I thought you brought them
Food bloggers could post a recipe for ice and it’d still be 3 pages long.
My husband and I keep the spark alive in our marriage.
I send flirty pictures of stuff I want to buy and he sends flirty little messages like, “I thought we agreed to save money.”
Bahaha. Loving the support, maybe we’ll get this handled.
Just came to the realization that my ten year high school reunion will be in 10 months. I have about nine days to get married and pregnant.
*lost in China*
Friend: ask that man where we areMe [pretending to speak Chinese with a local]: xian chan sēn
F: well?
Me: we’re in China
Tom & Jerry had the realest beef of all time….. nvr said a word…. it was jus on sight ..
[Watching 101 Dalmatians with a cute girl]
Hold up, hold up. Pause it, please. Thanks. One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine,
*scrolls ur TL*
*finds ur tweet from 2 yrs ago.*
*eerily similar to mine from day before*“She stole my tweet AND built a time machine?!”
There’s no I in team, but there’s one in IKEA cuz I’m the only one putting together this damn Fjällbo
You can’t even be mad at the dog for this. You just have to be impressed.
I’m awake but I object,
Boy ant: Feel like a swim?
Girl ant: Can’t, I’m not boy ant.