“Be cool, it’s the cops” I said to my 3 cats I dressed up like robbers as my other 3 cats came out of the kitchen dressed like policemen
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Learn from your mistakes. Make better & better mistakes until you’re making the best mistakes possible.
For the first time, all three of my kids are going to three different schools. I managed to get them all there on time for their first day, but intentionally ran a few minutes late on day two so their teachers didn’t have unrealistic expectations.
Just spent 45 minutes on the treadmill – tomorrow I think I’ll actually turn it on!
The lady at McDonald’s gave me an extra pack of fries for free. I hope she is ok with the names I picked out for our children.
me: *finds new bruise*
brain: press it
deleting my dating apps because I want to meet someone the old fashioned way (by stealing my father’s armor and running away in the middle of the night to fight northern invaders with the Chinese army and compete with a handsome fellow soldier by pretending to be a man)
A penguin’s resolutions:
-learn to fly
-slap Todd everytime he says “Cold enough for you?”
-get a girl to let me put her egg between my feet
BOSS: Can we meet in 20 minutes?
ME: Can it wait until tomorrow?
BOSS: Sure. Busy day?
ME: (pauses video of a dog playing in crunchy leaves) Yes.
“Shelley’s coming over.”
“Shelley from work or Shelley who was raised by gorillas?”
*gets hit in the face with poop*
Mice are just frozen Mwater.
CW: It’s 11:11 make a wish.
Me: I wish I could throw a clock at your face.
I’m so sick of unexpected character deaths for shock value. This is a terrible pilates video.
*yells from the back of an ambulance*
“Can you drop me off at the corner, I can’t afford this!”
*aliens land in America*
Alien Captain: Take me to your leader!
Me: *heavy sigh* Listen, Bro…this is kind of embarrassing, but…
Whenever I slide down a brontosaurus right into my car, I can’t help but be reminded of the Flintstones intro
I love when the Uber driver is overly prepared with water bottles, chargers, asks about temperature and music preferences, etc., then drives how a deer walks after being born
[1st date]
Me: Sooo…Is there anything you’d like to ask me?Him: Well, there is one thing I’ve been wondering
Me: *batting lashes* Go ahead
Him: Is that a piece of hot dog in your hair?
There is a disturbing amount of product placement in my dreams.
Him: you work from home all the time, how do you deal with the isolation?
Me: *mouth full of 8am icecream* I’m glad you’ve come to me about this matter
Don’t forget to celebrate Columbus Day by moving in to someone else’s house and telling everyone it’s yours, then closing the post office.
Someone just got sent home for having a meltdown. I’ve never been so jealous of a coworker in my life.
King’s men: well don’t just stand there, help us put this egg mf back together again
King’s horses:
Boy, are you a destination wedding? Cuz I can’t come.
If I ever disappear and my family notices that my house is clean, they will know for sure I was murdered and someone had to clean up the crime scene.
I was fired from the zoo for exploding the budget, but I still think the giraffes look pretty great in those turtleneck sweaters.
fish:
eagle: omg ur drowning I’ll save you
Breaking news:
My daughter just told me that she’s the boss of me, and when I tried to respectfully disagree she said “don’t you dare talk to your boss like that”
ROBBER: is this all the cash?
CASHIER: yes but would you like to donate $1 to charity
ROBBER [tears welling up inside his ski mask]: ok