It’s strange that watching paint dry is considered boring but going to an art gallery is considered interesting. That’s just watching paint that’s already dry.
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The pizza theorem:
“Pizzas must be circular. They must be cut
into triangles and put into square boxes”-Science
[date]
HER: So what’s your spirit animal?
ME: Roosters.
HER: Lol, why?
ME: *leans in close* I also start my day screaming.
Good Cop: [stares]
Bad Cop: [stares]
The abyss: You get nothing from me until my lawyer gets here. Nothing.
The difference between looking at a kaleidoscopic as a kid vs as an adult.
The migraine that follows.
Your eyes may say yes, but your eyebrows are screaming “I will boil your bunny the minute you ignore me!”
We’re playing Mario party and the boys keeps intentionally referring to Luigi as Louis and it’s making me irrationally angry.
Overheard my daughter’s friend on FaceTime telling her Dad to please stop singing because he’s embarrassing her so obviously I did what any Dad would do and finished the chorus for him.
Mermaids is much more serious than mermsyphilis.
Hubs: You wouldn’t believe the day I had at work!
Me: (wiping my kid’s piss off the floor and carpet for the 4,000th time today)
Hubs: Never mind
Me: Smart move
Eating a slice of pizza is hard when you’re going through the car wash, without a car.
if i die wearing my guy fieri fire shirt will i be camouflaged in hell
I CALL BULLSHIT
Let’s hear some tropes in TV/movies that are complete bullshit. I’ll start:
Dude making dinner produces a gourmet-looking dish, has a neatly folded hand towel thrown over his shoulder, and is wearing an *immaculate* white dress shirt. BULLSHIT!
I just want somebody to want me the way my dog wants a bite of my cheeseburger.
[first day as a police sketch artist]
Victim: Why is there a meerkat in the picture?
Me: I used to do this at the zoo
Woke up feeling not too shabby for a 55-year-old. The only problem is I’m still in my 40s.
Looking at the huge commercial success of the ‘Barbie’ movie means I’m already bracing myself for the inevitable ‘Mr. Clean’ movie starring Dwayne ‘The Rock’ Johnson.
Am I annoying yet? How about now? Now? Now? Now? How about now? Now? Now? Now? Maybe now? Now? Now? Meow? Meow? Meow? Meow? Meow? Meow?
Haloween is over, but i just saw a group of people dressed up as the ghosts of the Cone Heads.
me: everything is the same, but when the bread is done it pops out a little more so that you can grab it without burning your hand
toaster company ceo: I still don’t get it
If I’m your lawyer, we’re in jail
Imagine getting married and you write your own vows and it’s beautiful and everyone is sobbing and after the wedding your husband hands you the vows he wrote down in a sweet glass case to keep forever and you read them and the first line reads “your my soulmate”
True embarrassment lies within your first email address
I call my phone Lois because it doesn’t recognize me without my glasses
me: is this vegan friendly?
waiter: idk dude, he’s your friend
Burger King needs a new slogan. Something like “we clean our bathrooms now.”
My nephew Lyle just explained to me the “F” in “F Bomb” stands for “friendship.”
F Bombs for everyone! 😃
(business meeting)
*drops pen on the floor*
*bends over to pick it up*
*shirt comes untucked*
*all the jelly beans start falling out*
REPORTER: how does it feel that ur tweet got like 0 favs?
ME: it made me laugh so I dont think its so bad
R: how does it feel 2 be wrong tho
oh ffs josh did you not read the email
I don’t know what the 5 love languages are but one of them better have peanut butter inside