Me: Ok I’m just gonna lay down for like 15 minutes.
[11 Days later]
Oh no
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9: Where’s mom?
Me: Out the back
9: Australia?
M: Out THE back, not the Outback!
9: What’s she doing?
M: Playing with her didgeridoo, I think
[Santa installing fog lamps on the front of his sleigh]
Rudolph: what’s that Santa?
Santa: oh it’s nothing venison
Rudolph: what?
Santa: I meant son….nothing son
Hilarious if literal: arms race
My wife just discovered that Idris Elba playing James Bond was just a rumor and that he has no desire to “dress that fine and fight like that so [she] can watch him.”
Please respect our privacy in this difficult time.
You hang up
“No, you hang up”
You hang up first!
– Bats going to bed
Me: *puts six steaks on the grill*
Wife: Don’t you think that’s too much? It’s just us and the kids.
Me: Wait, you guys are eating, too?
Grapefruit juice tastes like orange juice that just found out it has to work on it’s day off.
Me: Grab me the red one
Dog: Not funny
Anyone else’s phone make a retching noise when you unlock it with face ID?
🎶Summer lovin’, had me a blast
Summer lovin’ is especially sweaty🎶
Alright. It’s Sunday. Another Breaking Bad. Or if you don’t watch the show, an hour of confusing tweets.
My conscience is clean.
Alcohol is technically a solvent.
Chicago pizzerias be like hi would you like a slice of soup?
her: does an apple a day really keep the doctor away
me: *flicks cigarette butt* u ever seen a horse at the ER Karen
“And to my son Ronald, I leave my entire collection of mint-condition, never-been-opened LinkedIn Updates emails.”
Him, sweaty from working out: Hey, babe, c’mere
Me: Don’t come any closer while you still have activity juice all over you
5 year old: Where does wind come from, daddy?
Me: It comes from people asking too many questions.
My son was awake early and I told him “Happy Easter.” He said he thought that was last week. In his defense though, I did bake a ham and give him a bag of Cadbury mini eggs last week… when I thought it was Easter.
My blood type is A+ because I’m the best at everything. Even at having blood.
They don’t put calorie counts or serving suggestions on boxed wine. They know you’ve got enough problems already.
As a man I’ll never know the what the pain of child birth feels like. But I’m guessing the pain of stubbing your toes has to be really close.
Remember when a blue moon was a rare and romantic thing, and now it’s probably something terrible on Urban Dictionary?
Jewelry stores should just be like: Whether you’re trying to be nice or trying to get laid- we got you covered.
Absolutely no one
Me (3 days later thinking): hmm he never argued against the fact that I said I weigh more than him….
Friend: You know that country song that goes-
Me: No.
people only watched my two hour youtube video dissertation on false advertising centered in the landscape of 21st century social media through to the end because I told them to ‘wait for it’ in the description
“Sorry, could I just squeeze by?”
<person doesn’t move an inch>
“Thanks”
My toxic trait is putting my black phone down on a black surface for “just a second”
(by @ZachWeiner )
“My god,” the explosives specialist says. “The bomb’s diffuser is hooked up to a ridiculously difficult sudoku that has to be solved in under 6 minutes!”
I slowly look up. My time has come…