*gets stuck halfway through a somersault*
This is how I live now.
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[crowd surfs up to the lead singer] can u skip the new album stuff
They saddled up the horses and headed into town. The hills were quiet and ominous. A lone coyote howled. An owl hooted. Crickets chirped. An eagle made an eagle scream. A rattlesnake rattled. A hissing beetle made a sound that was indescribable
The sincerest form of flattery is having a robot from the future sent back in time to kill you. Imitation is a distant second.
Lawyers out there, if I see any of my Tweets being used on Comedy Central can I sue….. Oh you don’t think that will ever be an issue, okay
My human just got off the phone and said to me, “You won’t be a happy kitty tomorrow.”
I’m suddenly having trust issues.
[looking in the mirror and thinking about how I’m created in God’s image] wow God needs to go on a diet.
Aw! She reminds me of me when I was in college!
Life is like a box of chocolates: Eventually it will kill your dog.
When you say you’re a “foodie”, that means you like to eat gross food and then pretend that you like it? When I was a kid that just meant I got dessert.
haha remember when I was in charge of a children’s birthday party at the pottery studio I worked at and I kicked things off by saying “alright it’s jenna’s sixth birthday, pretty impressive she’s made it this far…”
In grade 5 during biology my teacher asked me “what is in cells?”
I answered my Uncle Eric and Dad and she made me go home.
Teen boys either use a whole can of axe body spray or none at all. There’s no in between.
I’m so happy that I got rid of my $250 cable so I can spend $500 on streaming services.
may your fathers prosper. may your friends be uglier than you. may your exes get food poisoning
[Job Interview]
Boss: It says you are a great problem solver
Me: Yes
B: Can you give me an example?
Me: I’m hired
B: *whispers* holy shit
librarians will, under no circumstances, put up with your shh
People are like plastic bags: Some are meant to fly, some have holes — but are still useful — and, well, others are full of dog shit.
Throughout the entire Twilight saga, there are over 24 minutes of just staring.
my 4yo daughter has 2 older brothers and removes remote control batteries after selecting her program & volume so good luck fellas
Still the best thing I’ve ever seen on the Internet.
I had an unsettling dream. Someone came into my house and placed my Precious Moments figurines in compromising positions.
My kid: I’ll look
Me: No, no one is going to look
Target Employee: Why don’t you take a look at our new collection of home decor? It’s so beautif-
Me: *blindly flailing a knife from under the blanket covering our heads and cart* I’M ONLY HERE FOR LAUNDRY SOAP, DEMON
Apparently even if you build your own Viking warship, raiding and taking over a village is still, like, SUPER illegal.
9: Can I sleep with you?
Me: Why?
9: Had a dream about the Lullaby Lady.
M: Who?
9: An old woman with no skin on her hands.
M: Why do you call her that?
9: Because she stands next to your bed and hums while you sleep.
M: Sure, just let Daddy put the house up for sale real quick.
I don’t know why people pay therapists to tell them what’s wrong with their lives when I’ll do it for free.
KGB: You’re being activated and sent to America. There you will acquire and report all sensitive and relevant intel and relay back to Kremlin
Bear Family: what’s our cover?
KGB: You will sell crap ton of toilet paper
my 10 year high school reunion is in August which means I have 2 months to lose 40 pounds and get engaged to Michael Cera
Allow me to explain how to sew on a button:
A thread.
I forgot how to eat at a restaurant am I supposed to bring netflix with me or will they have my computer there?
riding my roomba around the house dropping crumbs and tiny pieces of shit in front of it in the direction i wanna go