Every millennial is obsessed with We Bought a Zoo because the idea of being able to buy any property at all is insane to us.
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I need to stop saying “oppa gagnam style!” to fill in awkward pauses in conversation
My bf: can’t you give me a clue to where I put the car keys?
Me: The elephant crawls at midnight but the zebra lays down his tracks by the freeway.
Bandanas are back in style, it only took a worldwide pandemic.
If I say, “Don’t worry, I’m on it,” there’s a 98% chance I’m referring to my couch.
me: [tells joke]
son: I don’t get it
me: well ur mom told me a joke once and it took me 9 months to get it
Interview
Bishop: Do you have any job-related questions?
Vicar: No
Bishop: What about the other Bible chapters?
I’ve just got a job making plastic Draculas.
There are only 2 of us on the production line, so I have to make every second Count.
[office]
BUSINESS SNAKE: [dictating a letter]
SECRETARY: [just hammering the S key]
[the afterlife]
Me: So, this is heaven!
*sees husband* whoa whoa whoa, what’s he doing here?! The contract said til death parts us!Angel: *chuckling*
Me: omg. this is hell, isn’t it.
Going to a wedding this weekend. Can’t decide if I want to sit on the bride’s side or groom’s side because that’s basically choosing who I will represent in their future divorce. No pressure.
The last time I had sex, there was a dinosaur in the cave with us.
Cleaning a house with children in it is like shoveling snow on the North Pole.
thought I was all good when my doctor said i was healthy as a horse; turns out he was referring to one specific horse, ‘Sick Matthew’
Fall is here! I can finally start burning my pumpkin cinnamon cupcake cranberry apple pie walk in the snow vanilla snickerdoodle flannel scented candle without feeling like a psychopath
RIGHT?
Everyone needs to eat healthier. Except the guy sitting next to me loudly eating an apple. That guy should be in prison.
I wish there was a way to keep in touch with dogs I meet outside of grocery stores.
Me: why don’t you go and play with Jack?
3yo: no, I like playing with myself
Me: er, by, you like playing BY yourself…
My boss got bit by a snake so I bandaged his wound so tight just to make sure the venom won’t drain out.
hey people that post selfies on Instagram and caption it ‘No Filter’, go with a filter next time. serious
My husband is a keeper.
No, that’s not the word.
Hoarder. He’s a hoarder.
The pond is silent. No one has come to feed us bread in a week. Slowly we gather our nerve and begin to wander from the pond. The world is quiet. Empty. We waddle through the streets, unhindered, unchallenged.
Duck World – coming to Netflix this summer
Idea: Eels. Exactly the same storyline as Cats but they’re all eels.
Internet Explorer: so about last night
Me: Oh, i used you for flash.
IE: Are we back together, am i your default?
Me: don’t make this weird
I like my women like I like my eggshells: white and broken.
Husband: Did you put “Deadly Wives” and “Why Women Kill” on our watchlist?
Me, picking up his socks sitting on the floor next to the laundry basket: Should’ve added “How to Get Away with Murder” as well.
Husband: What?
Me: What?
Airbud was on a human basketball team. I want to see a human running as a dog on a sled dog team.
BARBER: So what do you do?
ME: I’m a writer, and you?
BARBER:
ME:
BARBER: I’m a barb—
ME: Barber, right, yes.
*holds out bucket of fried chicken to passing marathon runners*
Is it just me or does everything cost like we’re shopping in an airport now?
Ex (trying to make me jealous): I’m going to a party, everyone’s drinking, laughing, and having fun!
Me: that’ll all stop once you show up