Marking my last weekend of living single by finishing off these 19 cans of baked beans
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The last time I checked, I was a weirdo.
Let me check again. Yep, still a weirdo.
If you see me at the beach this weekend, that’s not me. Don’t follow me. That works here but is creepy in real life.
They call it “childbirth” lest we get confused and give birth to a full grown adult.
A Hallmark movie where the heroine is such a Karen that she ruins Christmas, the adorable son of the widower tells her to go back to her law firm in the city, and ends with the whole town chasing her with pitchforks.
If I stay in bed too long my sheets eventually detach from the corner of my mattress like my bed is patting me on the back to let me know the hug is over.
*hires sky writer to propose to psychic girlfriend*
WILL YOU MARRY ME
*2nd planes flies by 5 seconds later*
HELL NO
[Being murdered]
You’re on my hair
Next time someone says “I’m a hugger” and tries to hug me I’m gonna say “I’m a puncher” and see how it goes.
you: weird flex but ok
an intellectual: odd gloat but understandable nonetheless
me, a genius: peculiar boast but alas
Hubs: You treat me like a child
Me: That is completely ridiculous. Now go brush your teeth, it’s almost your bedtime.
Jealousy is a horrible green monster.
Well, a horrible monster in a tight green dress. With big boobs. And an ass to die for.
🙁
I just saw Angelina Jolie’s ex walking one of Santa’s reindeer down a nude beach. A topless Dancer & a bottomless Pitt.
Ha ha I’m so lonely
[kissing every meatball before loading it onto sub]
subway employee: I’m pretty sure you’re not supposed to do that
me: oh i don’t work here
Me: I’d like to withdraw some daylight from my savings please
Bank: sorry no
Me: look I’ve been inside for 8 weeks now, there must be *something* in there
Bank: ok thats not really how this works
Me: omg this is daylight robbery
What does Mario spend all those gold coins on? He has one outfit, travels by foot & lives in the sewer
Use your whole data plan each month. There are children in China that have no data plan
safari guide: please keep your arms inside the vehicle
me: [a lion has my arm already] call a doctor
Interviewer: Why did you bring a lawyer to a job interview?
My lawyer: You don’t have to answer that
Those three magical words:
“Where’s the plunger?”
i was carrying a 15′ handrail through menards when i jokingly challenged a lady to a jousting match. later, when i thought i saw her again in the parking lot, i said ‘are you ready to joust!” but it wasn’t the same lady.
I don’t give my children “chores”. I give them “missions” and that change in the name has made my whole life easier.
*Jan 1, 9 AM PST*
5: Can we play music in our room?
Me: Sure!
5: Any music?
Me: Whatever you want!
5: ALEXA! PLAY ROCKIN AROUND THE CHRISTMAS TREE!
Me: Nooooooooooooo
[job interview for psychic]
INTERVIEWER: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
ME: Well played.
My 2yo was swinging a wooden spoon around and it hit me in the head so I told him “please be gentle with that.” He paused for a minute then started petting the spoon like it was a cat.
*holding your xray up to the light and looking at it*
when did you first notice your back hurting?
“after the knife went in”
[dinner theater]
Me: babe relax it’s just a play it’s supposed to be fun
Waiter: *winks* table or booth
Abe Lincoln, reincarnated: OK WHAT THE HELL
“Mmm, tastes just like chicken!”
-My 6 year old eating a piece of chicken
Hire a hitman is apparently not the correct answer to “what would you do if you won the lottery”
me: i can’t remember my password
my brain: how about an embarrassing memory
When I was a little girl dreaming about what life in my thirties might be like, I envisioned way more powerful enemies.