[Date’s house]
ME: I’d love to see u againDATE: That would be nice
ME [whispers to her dog] ok what do I do she thinks I’m talking to her
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Is the speed limit the same if you’re driving in reverse?
People swimming in rivers: brrr it’s so cold in this water I hate it
Ohioan swimmers, very clever, setting their river on fire to warm it up first: 🔥🌊😎🌊🔥
I’ve got a great sense of humor *closes eyes and tilts head slightly upward* yes. there is humor nearby. 40, no, 50 yards from here
I see what percentage you guys leave your phones on, how the hell are you gonna expect electric cars to get you anywhere.
The same plot as the Matrix, only the Matrix runs Windows.
The system crashes on its own.
The human race is saved by shitty programming.
Airport moving sidewalks are great for when you only want to feel like George Jetson for 10 seconds before you’re back to Fred Flintstone.
To make space in prisons, judges are now sentencing low-risk offenders to pick up a few things at IKEA during the week before college starts
I’ve done all the cleaning and ironing but I’ve forgot why I broke into this house in the first place.
HER: I’ll only agree to do nudity if it’s done tastefully
PRIEST: And I understand the groom has also written his own vows
Answers phone, makes modem noises…
I am eggnogstic as in eggnog is my lord and savior
Everyone on this website is always like, “Eat the rich,” but then Carol Baskin feeds her millionaire husband to a tiger and it’s a problem, hypocrites
Hey people who emphasize words that end in an E by stretching out that E instead of the vowel that *actually* creates the proper emphasis: I hateeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee you.
I’m not an agoraphobe, I’m deeply in love with my stuff
GUY SPIDER: (after sex) omg I can’t wait to see my son
GIRL SPIDER: *putting on bib* yeah, about that..
Once I was a passenger in a car when a deer ran across the road. I screamed, so the driver looked at ME instead of the ROAD. I’ve trained myself to always scream “DEER!” instead of just screaming. *sighing* So. Anyway, sorry I screamed “DEER!” when you startled me in the hallway.
[walks into living room and sees a stranger is sitting on the couch]
Me: WHO ARE YOU AND WHAT DO YOU WANT?!
14 yo son: I came downstairs to see if dinner is ready.
Thought it was real sweet that my daughter (5) gave me a hug in the store until I realized she was trying to steal my credit card.
A moth flies into your face out of nowhere. You could ask him why he does that, but what would you do with the information?
When kidnappers take sensitivity training: fragrance free chloroform
Netflix and awkward silence?
OMINOUS CHANTING
*pentagram starts to glow*
YES! RISE DARK LORD! RISE!
*Satan tosses pillow through portal*
UNGH 5 MORE MINUTES!!!
I suspect that the deep state is using nanotechnology to make my underwear tighter and I don’t like it.
Work meetings would be a lot more fun if they took place in a giant McDonalds ball pit
Trying to do deadlifts at the gym, but I can’t figure out where they hide the bodies.
My kid is learning about environment and climate change at school, so everytime I yell any instructions, he goes “noise pollution, noise pollution”
Someone call or text my husband and tell him that dinner at Applebee’s is not a “night out on the town.”
Not sure to be insulted or not, but I cleared out a room of coworkers just by announcing
“I have a plan, trust me”
[at Subway]
Them: What kind of cheese?
Me: Surprise me.[at home]
Netflix: 🔀 Surprise Me?
Me: Not Today Satan.
mom always warned us not to sit too close to the TV, but we turned out pergectly fime.