If you love someone, throw your earbuds at them. There’s a good chance they’ll be entangled in them and won’t be able to run.
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People who wake up perky:
1) whoa…that’s enough
2) see number 1
hand-to-hand combat, but its just two mimes trying to establish dominance by pushing on opposite sides of the same imaginary box’s wall
There’s no sticker warning me not to eat this box of nails so I guess I’ll just go for it.
The first person to eat a fortune cookie probably ate the paper too, which is unfortunate
The way my life is now if I threw caution to the wind it would just throw it back.
I forget ONE TIME and my wife changes all my passwords and sets the security question to: “When is your anniversary?”
Saw my son pretending to pole vault with a curtain rod. It took me a good 10 mins to realize it meant there were curtains down somewhere.
Literally infuriating seeing so many people still going out to pubs. I came here for a quiet drink!
The inventor of the tampon liked it, so he put a string on it
I don’t want to make anyone jealous right now, but I’m sitting in a restaurant in Universal Studios while 2 of my kids cry and refuse to eat their food.
Them: “Would you like to eat an entire loaf of bread?”
Me: “No thank you.”
Them: “What if we gave you a pot of cheese and a little poker and called it fondue?”
Me: “I’m in.”
Kylo Ren: Hey, why is my paycheck so low?
General Hux: Damages. Maybe you should stop throwing temper tantrums with your lightsaber.
LUKE: daddy, what’s my name from?
ME: it’s from the bible
CHEWBACCA: and mine?
ME: umm [sweating] also the bible
Me: You don’t have to tell me twice.
Narrator: 38 times. You have to tell her 38 times.
How many colors and shades is it okay to just call white?
Men: 58
Women: 1
imagine being Billy Zane in Titanic you think you’re going on a nice little romantic trip, 5 minutes later your gf is sleeping with someone else, the boat’s sinking and you’re racing about the place with a gun thinking why is this my life now
“That looks shiny and clean, I’m gonna touch it a lot.”
– Kids
*walks into work with massive bruise on cheek*
Co-worker: omg what happened
Me: *thinks back to dropping phone on my face* uh, mugged
*drops some peanut butter on the table*(stares at it)
Husband: You’re not going to eat that, are you?
Me: NO! *eats it*
A Cobra wanted to fight me but I challenged him to a thumb war and he slitthered away embarrassed.
“Umm, what are you doing? Can you not? Seriously, get off me!”
– The first horse ever ridden (probably)
My husband just yelled, “WE DONT GOAT SCREAM IN THE HOUSE!” In case you’re wondering how quarantine is going.
My husband and I are at a point in our lives where we don’t care about the strange noise coming from downstairs if it means we have to get out of bed.
ME: The kitten has eaten all the grapes!
GF: Just get some more
ME: Ok[later]
GF: Did you get more grapes?
ME [drowning in kittens] what?
My 9yo took the time to make this sign rather than just throwing the bag away herself, I’m gonna need a minute
Me: You should do that sexy thing you did a few weeks ago more often.
Her: When I was dancing in my panties?
Me: No…Cooking
Accidentally used my kids’ toothpaste this morning & now I can’t stop asking “why” every time my wife speaks to me
[Our sex tape gets leaked]
Wife: Now do you believe me that you snore?
Here’s a question for all the mind readers out there.