[Watching the sunset over Paris]
BF: My darling *goes down on one knee*
GF: OH MY GOD!!
BF: THIS is how I proposed to my last girlfriend
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My son has decided he loves avocado toast and now I have to get a second job.
Finally found a house! We couldn’t afford it and it wasn’t for sale, but we just murdered the owners and took it anyway. Happy Columbus Day!
Apple CEO announces he’s gay. Samsung CEO announces he’s more gay and water resistant.
Nobody:
Mime:
Mute person:
Fight club member:
Parrot:
Torturer who just boldly claimed he had ways of making people talk: oh no
My rum-raisin cake is gluten free. It’s also raisin free. And cake free. OK it’s just rum.
If anyone is feeling hysterical please stop by my house and I will slap you
TSA agent: Please remove all footwear
[moments later]
TSA agent: Not mine, sir
[Spelling Bee]
Her: Your word is consent.
Him: Can you describe the word?
Her: Yes.
Every day I try to learn from the mistakes of people who took my advice.
Hallmark movie writer’s room:
“Alright, let’s get started.”
(4 minutes later)
“OK, that’s a wrap on 27 movies, good job everyone.”
If I win Poweball we’re all gonna have a party with SOOO much cocai…cake!
Age 16: Made fun of my parents for going to bed at 10PM.
Age 40: Wonders how they managed to stay up so late.
Stalkers drive by your house…
I actively pursue my passion and show up with tacos and beer.
Of course I believe in science, like how jelly grows inside donuts.
me
Its 4 am and my foot fell asleep are we doing this one body part at a time now
My wife still brings up the one time in 2014 when an open bag of popcorn fell from the top kitchen cabinet and I whispered cornfetti
umm…
[At the funfair]
*Fire alarm sounds*
Me: *in the hall of mirrors* oh no.
CHIEF: say hi to ur new partner
ME: new partner? If it’s another duck–
*goose with a badge waddles in*
ME: okay but i’m driving this time
Sweetie if I was fake, I would pretend to be someone awesome and not a lonely weirdo.
Saw @justinbieber on a piece of toast. Am I going to hell?
Finally!
[goes back in time]
Me: WOW! I can’t believe I’m seeing a real dinosau–
T-Rex: MOOOOOOOOOO!
Apatosaurus: MOOOOOO!!
Triceratops: MOOOOO!!
Me: So you guys moo
Archaeopteryx: MOOOOOOOO!
I want to open a restaurant for divorcees but I can’t think of what to name it other than fed ex
[1hr before date]
Me: (to waiter) So when I order the extra spicy chicken you say ‘brave choice sir’ and then bring the Lemon Herb chicken
who called it a missed phone call from your parents and not a boomer rang?
At jury duty they said, “You do not have to be fluent in English.” So what you’re supposed to do is just guess if the guy is innocent.
I’ll probably stop watching “The Crown,” now that I know how it ends.
We’re gathered here today to mourn the loss of Derek. His last words were “Watch me try and keep my eyes open while sneezing!”