I want that job where I push scared skydivers out of planes.
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ME: I was just stung by a WASP.
FRIEND: Are you hurt?!
ME: Yes, she said my hair is dry, and my handbag should be on a hobo’s stick.
me: *taking off shirt* YOU WANT A PIECE OF ME???
dermatologist: once again, it’s called a biopsy
Why does my kid always want to become a vegetarian after I’ve bought a shitload of meat
17: Do you know what school Scooper goes to?
Me: Who?
17: Scooper.
Me: Again, who?
17: Landlord’s son.
Me: COOPER?!
17: I thought it was Scooper, I’ve called him that for 5 years.
Cop: Ma’am, Are you intoxicated?
Me: Are YOU intoxicated!
Cop: No
Me: Prove it!
Cop: *puts handcuffs on me*
Me: I like where this is going.
I need to get a car wash but my dogs’ nose smudges on the back window appear to be forming a word so I’m gonna let that play out first.
ME: *lying on deathbed*
DEATH: get off my bed
The irony is that if we had a vaccine against stupid, those who need it most wouldn’t get it.
[reviewing security cam footage to see what’s eating out of my trash at night] mother of god it’s me
If a zombie approaches you, bop it on the nose with a rolled-up magazine and say NO.
Both of my girls wanted to stay home sick today until they found out the Wi-Fi was down.
please send your thoughts and prayers to my 8 yo who has a loose tooth and he is now incapable of doing anything such as emptying the dishwasher or eating veggies because they’re too hard to chew.
Parenting is a delicate balancing act where you need to teach your kids numbers but not well enough that they’re able to tell the time when you send them to bed early
Judge: So, you maintain that he took advantage of you?
Her: Yes Your Honor!
Judge: When did you realize this?
Her: When his check bounced
angel: whatcha making?
god: *sharpening a dolphin* shark
“I know you! You were one of the bad guys in Titanic!” I yelled at the ocean, who ignored me like most celebrities.
My love language is Latin. It’s dead.
so awkward when the bill for the wall comes out and no one reaches for it
If you’re not part of the solution, you must be on Twitter
Your metabolism after age 40 is like, “Nah, I like you fat.”
I used to play the triangle in a reggae band but left because it was just one ting after another.
Me: Sorry, my son spilled the water
Waiter: No problem, I’ll get you a new one
Me: [grabbing his arm] Make sure this one likes sports
My greatest magic trick is making stuff magically appear before me in the exact location my husband said he couldn’t find it.
I found a spider in my shoes. He looks ridiculous, they’re way too big for him.
Are you actually cleaning the house if you haven’t shouted at everyone in it?
I once saw someone stare at the McDonald’s menu for 15 minutes before ordering just one cheeseburger with no cheese. So yes, I do believe there are still undecided voters
Guac just sounds like someone died before they could say the whole word.
I’m sorry sir, your wife didn’t make it.
Was it *sniff* the lack of prayers on Facebook?
Yes sir, I’m afraid it was.
*tightens straps on electric chair*
Any last words?
-I think male oysters should be called boysters
Omg will someone throw the damn switch
A nasal spray that’s filled with glitter, so when you sneeze it’s like a confetti popper.