Me “Waiter, why is there a live penguin in my soup?”
Waiter “we were worried the other birds would drown.”
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My dog is never excited if I’m the first one down the stairs in the morning. It’s all just panic and accusations.
“Oh no, where’s Mommy? Is Mommy gone? What have you done with Mommy?”
Stop staring at my chest dude,
It’s like you’ve never seen ‘dual pocket snack holders’ before.
I like to stand by the side of the motorway holding a sign that says “If you were me, you’d be here now.”
Every classic folk song is just dubstep turned inward
when my sister was like 5 she wrote a note to the easter bunny that said “happy easter are you a boy or a girl” and my mom left a typed note that said “sorry i can’t read i’m just a bunny”
no one ever talks about the cheerful reaper.
hate when i accidentally forget i’m on a weight loss journey by about noon every single day
My family thinks short term memory loss is adorable when a fish has it in Finding Dory, but when I have it, “Mommy has a drinking problem”.
I just want someone to look at me the way my dog looks at a dishwasher full of dirty dishes.
[at divorce lawyer]
bad news, currently all your husbands assets are frozen
“he didn’t”
he bought 1547 copies of it, he must really hate you
The Masters would be a lot more interesting if there were starving alligators roaming through out the golf course.
News: Gas shortage
Me: Haha
News: Chic-fil-a sauce shortage
Me: NO
I love rotting in bed. My vision board is just a picture of the grandparents in Willy Wonka
It’s so hot at work I need to wear as little clothes as possible without being sent to HR
[visiting Hell as a tourist]
Satan: good morning, how do you want your eggs
Me: how bout *finger guns* deviled
Satan: congratulations you get to stay here
if adults evolved from babies, why are there still babies?
I was arrested last Halloween. Apparently it’s illegal to chase someone yelling, Touch me! Even if they are dressed as the Grim Reaper.
ME: [holding door for wife]
WIFE: Why can’t we just buy an umbrella?
Sleeping Beauty is my favorite story about how any sweet princess will activate her fire breathing dragon if you wake her up from a nap.
I can tell these edibles have finally kicked in by the way I’m caressing my burrito and whispering “Ay Papi” Into what I’m pretty sure is its ear.
If you don’t know me, don’t judge me. Unless you’re making me a pizza and you say
“This woman looks like she wants extra cheese.” That’s ok
#inspiration #foodforthought
[stepping out of time machine]
me: well i sneezed on a dinosaur but hopefully the butterfly effect wasn’t too severe
giant butterfly in lab coat: you mean the human effect
ME: hey buddy you should wear a mask
CLARK KENT: but the glasses have been working fine
Me: don’t talk to me till I’ve had my coffee
Waitress: …all I said was “what would you like to order”
Me: you’re doing it again
Waitress:
Me:
Waitress:
Me:
Waitress:
Me: oh I see the problem
A new toilet paper called ‘Up Your Alley!’
Marketing exec: how do you keep getting in here
You come home from a long day at work, you want to relax with a movie, you pop in a blu-ray, turn down the lights, press play, and the first thing you see is an angry lion roaring at you. No wonder Hollywood is dying.
I had professional respect for you but then you said “recognizance” when you meant ‘reconnaissance.’
When I’m empty-handed my dog doesn’t know what the word ‘sit’ means, but if I have a treat she can perform neurosurgery.