Tom Cruise has signed on for Mission Impossible V. His impossible mission is trying not to show up on everyone’s gaydar.
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I’m gonna start selling supplements that make you less healthy. Call them Smiteamins.
No high school reunion for me. I can see most of them on Cops.
Psychiatrist: “Your check bounced and was returned for insufficient funds.”
Me: “So how does that make you feel?”
I survived catholic school taught by actual nuns and now nothing scares me. Except ghosts…of nuns
My milkshake brought a colony of extremely aggressive fire ants to my yard. 🙁
This day in history. 2001. Holland legalized assisted suicide for those with terminal illnesses or “It’s a Small World” stuck in their head.
why tf did we learn state capitals?? when has anyone ever “topeka is the capital of kansas”’d their way out of a real problem
I attempted a smoky eye for a Zoom pitch, but instead it looks like I survived a bar fight so I’m going with that story.
betcha they beat the robot dinosaurs by transforming into an asteroid.
“If something goes wrong, we’ll just go to a blue DOS screen and dump out an indecipherable log of what happened”.
This was a choice made.
Angel: Welcome to Heaven
Me: But… this is a Costco…
A: Yes. And here is a map with the exact locations listed for every item you need
M: *falls to my knees, sobbing with emotion and gratitude*
Interviewer: it says here your interests include connecting people
Me: correcting people, actually
I: no it’s-
Me: i know what it says
Me, watching you order just one pizza and there’s four of us: I guess you’re an optimist
6yo: Newton discovered gravy
Me: gravity, he discovered gravity.
6yo: what’s that?
Me: it’s what stops you floating off into space
6yo: *sadly* he should have stuck with the gravy
*Flicks cigarette after a long drag* Here’s the thing, kids. Wolves don’t have lips so they can’t blow at all. That wolf was framed.
I’m only listening outside the bathroom door to make sure you’re not touching the decorative hand towels.
100% sure whoever named the sea lion never saw a land lion
I lost my voice so basically I’m every mans dream girl right now.
We just got new neighbors and if they play their cards right I won’t know anything about them just like what’s-his-name that lived there before them.
Priest: look son, I think you should kick the habit
Me: ok
*nun screams*
How to be a Canadian:
1) Love hockey
2) Use good manners
3) Drink Tim Hortons
4) Live in a igloo
5) Hunt moose with stick
GF (from 2nd floor window): either the trampoline goes or I go!
ME: It
…was
…nice
…knowing
…you
CEO: Long lines. Bad parking. No shade. Crying kids. $7.00 drinks. We need a good name.
ETHAN: How about “amusement park”?
CEO: [under breath] Genius
Men pick a hairstyle at 15 and call it good until baldness or death.
*a jerk tries to punch me but I catch it perfectly in my mouth and swallow him whole like a snake*
Me: get out, it’s my turn in the hedge now you’ve been hogging it way too long
Hedgehog: no
“Would you rather be right or—“
YES
Love is a can of soda. Open it up too fast & it explodes all over you. Take too long, it goes flat. But no matter what you should recycle.
I’ve never struggled with depression, we’ve always gotten along together.