[hotel]
me: do you offer turndown service
concierge: sorry no
me: thank you
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Tell me twitter, just how the f am I similar to a Buick dealership?
ME: how can I make u proud?
MOM: reach for the stars
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: the closest star is 93 million miles away. You’ll never get there.
You’ve just gotta remember, some things don’t work out so you can make room for the things that will.
If both don’t work out…eat a cake.
Is it wrong, to put people on your bucket list?
I’m writing a song about this year, so far i have AAAAAAAAH OH MY GOD WHAT IS HAPPENING
Relationship status: DON’T TELL ME TO CALM DOWN, YOU CALLED A STORMTROOPER A ROBOT
Waiter: And what would the lady like?
Me:
Waiter:
Me:
Waiter:
Me:
Date: Gigi, he means you.
Me: *blushing* Oh, wow. He called me a lady.
I’ve never Met Gala but I heard she’s weird.
If you can’t beat them
Just try sunny side up
me: I hate when the bank is crowded like this
[outside]
getaway driver: is he in line
When I die I want a crank on the side of my coffin that plays
“Pop Goes The Weasel ”
just to see who has the guts to turn it. 😅
I bought a round area rug from IKEA, and these instructions not only saved me hours of confusion, they really helped me plan my weekend
[spreading rumors]
me: R
O
R
U M
S
My 20 year old cousin got his own apartment and it’s going pretty well
A man is not really successful until he has a beer fridge in the garage. Sorry, I don’t make the rules.
Waiter: and would you like mayonnaise on that?
Wife: Ew, gross.
Me: Why are you making your sex noises at him?
I argued otherwise, but the shoe inserts ended up improving my posture, so I stand corrected.
Listen here babe I’m not a mind-reader and I’m also not great at picking up body language so- ok yes that hand gesture I understand
He drinks a whiskey drink, he drops the vodka drink, he spills a lager drink, he’s at the roller rink
“Do I need to put my shoes back on for this?” is apparently a bad answer when your boss calls you into a meeting
Scar from the Lion King who is your mechanic and just fixed your car horn: beep repaired!
Psst. The real reason Ryan Gosling is taking a break from acting was to molt, mature & become Ryan Goose.
Your “COEXIST” sticker inspired me to slip a Madagascar hissing cockroach through your car window at the mall. Peace.
*gets called a psychopath
*googles “What’s the average IQ of a psychopath?”AWWW, HE THINKS I’M REALLY SMART.
first date idea we go to marriage counseling
Hmm I don’t really wanna commit 2 hours to watching a movie
*watches 12 straight hours of a tv show on Netflix*
Have kids so you can get weird compliments like “You look nice in that dress, like a Saturday raisin.”
“Do people really become like their pets?” I wonder, absentmindedly raising a leg above my head and staring into space.
“You know what people really want to see? Season after season of a guy drinking his own piss.” – Discovery Channel executive
I wish other people my age weren’t so old.