The difference between the kids table and the adults table during holiday dinners is that there is much more screaming, crying, and arguing at the adults table.
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People who make blanket statements are completely horrible & have no redeeming qualities.
What if we all do not exist and God is alone just imagining us?
Just wrote “except for you, spiders >:(” on my Welcome mat so that should be the end of that
By today’s standards the butts in Sir Mix-a-Lot’s video weren’t really that big.
He liked medium butts.
So he lied.
For a moment I thought it was Saturday, but then I realized it’s actually Sunday. The good news is now I have a story to tell at parties
me: haven’t you ever heard the saying “the customer is always right”?
mcdonald’s cashier: sir, i’m sorry, but the statue of ronald mcdonald doesn’t “come to life every 15 years to prey on burger king customers”
I hate when companies say “THIS IS NOT A DRILL” and then they’re like “select shirts 10% off” Ok..? Didn’t need the disclaimer. Nobody thought that this was a practice round. I didn’t read the discount and go “ok champ, get on their website. Time to practice”
I’m not saying I’ve gained weight, I’m just saying I don’t think my belt buckle should be facing the ground…
It sucks when you & your pal show up at a party wearing the same shirt…and an hour in, his chest hair starts sticking to your back.
i should be the upstairs neighbor. i should be the one spilling marbles. it should be me up there
It turns out if you balance your checkbook when you’re drunk you have a lot more money.
when im having a bad day i remember a time i walked into a public bathroom&turned the lights on&heard a guy in the last stall say”thank god”
Guy at door: How would you like to make a donation to our local orphanage?
Dad: yea sure [yells up to me] son, you live with this guy now!
Reasons to not eat cookies:
– there are no cookies
– you’re trapped under something heavy and can’t reach the cookies.End of list
WISE MAN #1: I brought gold for the babe
WISE MAN #2: frankincense
WISE MAN #3: myrrh
ME: *pulls out Chili’s gift card* I hate you guys
My cousin met her husband five years ago on tinder and are now married with kids but she still has him in her phone as “Tom Tinder”
oh you think being a teen during a pandemic is hard? imagine being a teen and a mutant and a ninja and a turtle in a sewer
Officer: Cause of death?
Me: Well it all started innocently..
*wife & I finally look up from our phones after 9 months*
“Have you had the kid yet?”
-No
“Well, I’m level 77 on candy crush.”
Guy sitting next to me on the plane is also scrolling twitter. Trying to scope out his @ so I can DM to ask if I can put my head on his shoulder for a nap.
[Sirens]
Dude open the door!*barricading* How do i know you’re not 1 of them?! Were you bit?!
What?! Do you not know what a hurricane is?
If I was a Spice Girl, I’d be onion powder.
went fishing caught a bass
Am sitting in horrible traffic, but fortunately someone is beeping their horn so we should be on the move soon.
I know it might seem cruel, but unless you’ve lived through the horror of a sheep infestation, you couldn’t possibly understand.
The real holiday hell happens after the gifts are unwrapped and it’s time to read instructions and assemble things.
When you’re attracted to someone and you don’t even know why, that’s called chemystery
,,,and send
normalize being naked at the laundromat so u can wash ALL ur clothes