Misery: Hello there!
Company: I have a boyfriend…
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You can’t simply wear purple corduroys, you must sport them
Cop: Can you describe the man who stabbed you?
Me: He kept going like this [stabbing motion]
My 7 year old: *staring at my face*
Me: What is it, sweetie?
My 7 year old: Is my nose weird, too?
Kids are delightful.
I’m gonna play on a Slip n’ Slide in my front yard tomorrow morning while the kids on my street wait for the school bus. #Hero
When I was at the Dollar Store, I saw this cat food called “Alley Cat” and all I could think was with a name like that why not save yourself a buck and just feed your cat out of the trashcan?
my signature move is called “the Mouse,” where I run around the dance floor wearing nothing but a tampon
When you marry a fungi, you have to give up certain video games, pizza toppings and recreational drugs out of respect.
gonna start calling my years long dry spell ‘sexual discipline’ so I don’t sound so pathetic
Someone tweeted today that they were “29-ish” and I didn’t know you could “ish” 15 years.
fish genie: wait, did i just grant you three wishes
me: *rich, handsome, and enjoying world peace* errm, no
you haven’t truly known fear until a long-forgotten furby in the back of your bedroom closet starts screaming in an australian accent at 3am
When I was 16, my parents sat me down to give me “the talk” about professional wrestling.
I was the only one wearing a mask in the supermarket this morning, so I made everyone empty their pockets.
Knuckle tats:
(I)(M)(H)(U)(N)(G)(R)(Y)
DAD i can’t stay with your wife in same home.. she’s hiding all my snacks.
Husband, opening our kitchen drawer while asking, “Do we know where the scissors have disappeared?” Looks around and promptly closes the drawer.
Me, opening the same kitchen drawer without looking in, hands him the scissors.
my family doesn’t play board games at Christmas anymore since that one year my sister ripped a Monopoly board in half and Risk caused a divorce
smokey robinson: tears of a clown
witch: where did you get this recipe
how did ur grandpa get dementia and forget EVERYTHING except the racism
1) My wife and I are fighting
2) My phone has an annoying ringtone whenever someone RTs me
3) My phone is in the room where she’s sleeping
The worst part of working remotely is the lack of structure. No one staring at me and tapping their watch if I take a long lunch. Unlimited bathroom breaks. Humans are not meant to live this way
Handing out plastic easter eggs filled with baked beans for halloween this year.
Capri Sun taught me how to stab with accuracy.
me: ooh wonder what kind of hawk that is
my 5yo, helpfully: maybe a mo-hawk
Parenting is hard, which is why no one is gonna judge you for what you’ve got in that Yeti mug at the soccer game.
Listen buddy, I never said they were for sale. I just put the “FRESH EGGS” sign in my yard to brag
[job interview]
Him: Do you have any social media accounts?
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
Sometimes when my boyfriend makes a racist joke I am like Ugh why did I even imagine you?
*Dog begging for chocolate bar*
“Dogs are so dumb, always wanting stuff that’ll kill them.”
*lights cig, cracks beer, finishes burger*