If you can’t handle me at what you have mistakenly assumed is my worst, then prepare to be unpleasantly surprised in the immediate future.
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If my wife comes to bed nude it’s ON, but when it’s me at the end of the bed naked she’s all “what are you doin, we’re at Mattress City.”
So, is Dora 18 yet, or what? Asking for a friend.
I’ve watched this 19 times this morning.
Reasons to evacuate before a hurricane:
5. Winds
4. Flooding
3. Power outages
2. No pizza delivery
1. Wet socks
‘All of me, loves all of you’
– John Legend.‘Some of me, loves some of you’
– John Average.
at my physical this week the male nurse was going through my history & asking if I still take xy&z meds and he goes “do you still take IUD?” I stared at him for a sec and said “it’s still…in me…yes.” he goes “oh it’s an implant, ok.” sir you are a NURSE 😭
ER Doc: you know you could have avoided these 3rd degree burns by walking away from the explosion at regular speed
Me: did it look cool tho
🎵 that’s me in the corner
that’s me drinkin’ hot sprite
trying to catch a pigeon
Me: It’s going to be a great day!
Life: Yeah, about that…
Percentage of men in the world with blue eyes: 8%
Percentage of men in romance books with blue eyes: 99.9%
My boss is having a colonoscopy today.
I sure hope they find his head.
I think when you get your photo taken for your driver’s license they should squirt you in the face with a water gun. Then your picture will have that annoyed and upset look to match when the cop pulls you over
Give a man a fish, he eats today.
Teach a man to fish, he gets drunk in a boat.
It’s weird how we get born in the same city as our favorite sports teams
My 5-year-old is learning about exercise & endurance, but he keeps saying insurance. Yesterday, he asked me if you need good insurance when you run. I told him at my age, you had better.
Good man! 👦🏻😡💪👍
Bored, but not “go to the mall the week before Christmas” bored.
When I weakly slam the microwave door, but it doesn’t latch and springs back to smack me in the face… I probably deserved that.
A Haiku For My Salad:
I do not like you
You will never be grilled cheese
You make my mouth sad
[Valentine’s Day]
Husband: These Reese’s hearts look weird. And why aren’t they wrapped?
Me: *flashback to carefully reshaping half-price Reese’s pumpkins into hearts* I guess they come like that now?
The difference between pizza and love is that when the pizza ends it doesn’t send you subtweets.
I bought a white bathrobe and splattered it with red paint just to freak out my neighbors when I go get the mail.
My cat has taught me a lot about life. Like if there’s any trace of ribbon in the house, you should eat it and then get sick on the carpet.
waiter: how would you like your steak cooked
me: i’d love it
So far my favorite thing about COVID-19 is getting an email from EVERY SINGLE STORE that’s ever had my email addy about how they are committed to protecting their employees and customers. I HAVEN’T SET FOOT INSIDE YOUR STORE IN 7 YEARS LEAVE ME ALONE.
inventor of the sauna: it’s a box and it makes you want to die of heat and dehydration, like microdosing dying in a desert
Angel: Here’s the final human mold *drops it*
God: *creates mom look*
Angel: Are you mad?
God: No, just disappointed
There’s no 5 second rule at my house.
The dog is much quicker than that.
I’ll straight up listen to yacht rock on a house boat and house music on a yacht I really don’t give a shit anymore.
If he asks you to be his girlfriend say yes and then hide from him so he can never break up with you.