i will avenge u mr van gogh
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“OPEN THE DOOR IT’S THE POLICE”
who is it?
“POLICE”
what is a police
*cops start whispering*
“how does he not know what a police is”
Parenting makes total sense when you’re doing it but probably seems weird from the outside. My wife just hid a pair of my toddler’s pants because ‘they were too much drama’ and that explanation seemed totally reasonable to me.
How many times should you try starting your snowblower before you realize it’s not going to start? According to my neighbor it’s 458 times.
I just gave my cat a bath.
Your move Satan.
Excited for my new sour patch kids diet. I think this is the one
Note to self: Remove “Does anyone else know you’re here?” from list of first date small talk questions.
😂😂😂😂😆😆😆🤗🤗😂😂
You gotta kiss a lotta frogs to get a lotta desperate late-night texts from frogs.
Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
Except for that guy in the park who thinks he’s Napoleon. He’s fighting the Battle of Trafalgar. But mostly you don’t know.
When did we start calling shirts “tops?” Was shirt too hard for ya?
My 6yo fell over today because he was distracted by watching some construction work happening across the street and I didn’t even see how he fell because I was distracted by watching some construction work happening across the street
Who are you going to trust, some real doctor who says it’s impossible to make you a centaur, or me, the guy with a hacksaw and half a horse?
Reporter: *ports again*
WHY IS THAT COTTON CANDY TALKING?!
“Grandma, that’s Niki Minaj.”
[showing people around museum] and if u look to ur left you’ll see a bunch of uppity people who get reaaal weird when you lick the paintings
I always feel slightly ripped off when my toddler poops after I pick her up from daycare.
These people are screaming like they’ve never seen pompoms on an axe before.
put ‘er there pardner!
what’s the medical term for a female-to-male gender reassignment surgery? an addadictomy
my best friend complained about her husband to me yesterday & I advised her to leave him.
Today she tweeted “No monkey can separate us ”
Hub said to go ahead and buy my own Valentine’s Day present.
Looks like he’s going to be very generous this year.
me: you died in poverty
clone of nikola tesla: damn
me: but now the world recognizes your genius
tesla: ha I guess so, look at this car with my name on it
me: ok so remember when I called this a “good news sandwich”?
Wife’s friend: So what was your C section like?
Wife: Well, it wa….
Me: Omg it was AWFUL. I had to just stand there for like 30 minutes
My boyfriend’s boss is scared of getting the coronavirus so naturally she has decided that instead of finishing at 5:30 they will finish at 4:30, because as we all know the coronavirus only comes out after 5
[being strapped into the electric chair] Are you mad at me?
You ever do something so stupid, your mouth refuses to work so you can’t tell on yourself?
Some days I want to leave everything and just run away with him. Other days I want to own 3 baby dragons and be fireproof and naked.
My son cried when I gave him his breakfast this morning. I made him scrambled eggs, covered them in ketchup & told him it was Humpty Dumpty.
Me: *Holding gun* I can’t tell who’s the real one. Tell me something only Gary would know
Gary 1: You have a fetish for-
*BLAM BLAM BLAM*
Me: Welp, that’s that. Let’s go, New Gary