[scrabble]
BATMAN: pass
SUPERMAN: again?
BATMAN: can’t spell anything
SUPERMAN: *rubbing temples* not every word has to start with BAT
You Might Also Like
I was using the self-checkout at the grocery store and since I’m such a good customer, I decided to give myself a free gallon of milk.
*at the pot store*
Ok so I need an edible that will get me just slightly buzzed – like, not so stoned I can’t cook, but just high enough to keep me from punching my racist cousin
I asked 14 to do me a favor, and he said, ”okay.” Then deliberately fell face first into the mattress on my bed.
Same kid, same.
I used to think Urethra was the name of a heavy metal band, until I found out it was actually a brand of vacuum cleaner.
Someone hacked into my dominos account and redeemed my free pizza
luke: yoda, i wish for…….. your freedom
yoda: i’m not a genie. i’m a person like you. i just look really weird
Me: We’re going to get a new ventilation system installed, will make the house much healthier
7: Why is it unhealthy, it’s never even had junk food?
why am i having trouble navigating this map??
*First day as a police officer*
Me: Sir, your son’s been either incarcerated or incinerated… *flips pad* Does that look like an A to you?
We got two inches of snow last night and now I can’t find my Smart Car.
Did some financial planning and it looks like I can retire at 62 and live comfortably for eleven minutes.
Wearing my lesbian boots today. Well, they’re faux lesbian. I don’t believe in using lesbians for leather, even if they’re farm-raised.
I would like to think that I’ll die a heroic death but it’s more likely I’ll trip over my dog & choke on a spoonful of frosting.
Got my daughter a one-dollar gift card to the Dollar Store and told her to get whatever she wants.
I don’t want kids for the simple reason that math has changed and I won’t be able to help with their homework
Interviewer: And your references?
Me: 90’s television mostly.
I am bored. Anyone need anything avenged?
I’m not above humming elevator music to end a conversation.
Santa Clause slides down the chimney of his cabin. He turns to Mrs. Clause
“The hell is that?”
I had a door installed
“The hell is a door?”
WAITER: what else can i get you
ME: nothing thanks
WAITER: okay I’ll get the check
ME: *balls fists* what did i just say
fact: each canadian goose contains the repressed rage of 30 canadians
I forgot the word for English so I asked the cab driver if he speaks the common tongue
It’s been 5 days since the last full moon. If you’re still trapped as a werewolf it’s time to see your doctor or veterinarian.
The reason that aliens have never visited us is because our solar system has received terrible reviews.
We only have one star.
Just gonna wait to see how long it takes this police sketch artist to realize I’m describing him.
You know what comes after “leg day”?
Can’t walk up or down stairs day
My son came home hella mad today talking about he told his friends i was a virgin and they told him that was impossible
Just made eye contact with my hot neighbor through the window
Wish I didn’t have 6 marshmallows in my mouth.