5: are there people coming tomorrow?
me: no why?
5: well you guys cleaned the house
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“Ben Carson makes stuff up” said Donald Trump, self-proclaimed zillionaire, demigod and unicorn owner.
1000s flocked to NJ to see the Virgin Mary in a tree trunk. But, don’t judge them, friends. When was the last time you saw a virgin in NJ?
Walking around cemeteries looking at headstones is a great way to come up with baby names.
Him: Guess what.
Me: You got me a dozen puppies?
Him: Uh no.
Me: 2 dozen puppies?
Him:
Me: 3 dozen?
Him:
Me: OMG 4 DOZEN PUPPIES?
Underage me: pretends to be sick so I can sneak out window to go to a party
Older me: pretends to be sick so I don’t have to go to a party
Noah: A boat?
God: Yes.
Noah: Two of every animal?
God: Yes.
Noah: I have a better idea.
God: What.
Noah: Maybe don’t kill everyone.
My daughter is playing “Away in a Manger” on the recorder if anyone wanna come over.
Boss to staff: “What incentives would make you work harder?”
Staff member: “Bonus!”
Boss: “I’m not boning any of you.”
I’m an independent thinker. The guy on YouTube that I have based my entire life around told me so
What’s a demon’s favorite Hungarian food?
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
Ghoulash.And…
…am I doing this joke thing right?
A hangover so good you crawl out of the bedroom naked and sleep for 6 more hours on the kitchen floor.
Interviewer: What’s your biggest weakness?
Me: I don’t know when to quit.
Interviewer: You’re hired!
Me: I quit.
It’s normal for married couples to fight. The trick is for you and your spouse to find a couple you can easily beat up.
Girls storing chips in their bras…pfft amateurs. I’ve got spaghetti and half a taco from this afternoon in there
If life gives you a cactus that doesn’t mean you have to sit on it.
I’m convinced the bulk of my Amazon recommendations derive from Alexa listening to me talking to myself in every room of my house. I don’t even care anymore. I mean, who are we kidding. Just send all the things, Amazon. You have my credit card and know where I live
All my life choices led me to this moment right here, and if that’s not an indictment of free will, I don’t know what is.
*adds alone time to my Amazon wishlist*
“I like your tree’s earring.”
“That’s a tire swing.”
Every old house is haunted, but some ghosts are just clumsier than others.
no matter how many years they’ve been practicing, a bagpipe player always sounds like they started learning that day
Erm I’m gonna say no
INTERVIEWER: you got the job when can you start
ME: this year for sure
In every successful relationship the MAN always has the last word – “Yes Dear.”
Everyone’s got that one neighbor they’d love..
To shoot for mowing his damn grass at 7 AM.
One way to handle social anxiety is to pretend you are a ghost & people are staring at you because they have a gift they never asked for
Interviewer: Give me an example of something you took with you from your last job
Me: Toilet paper
Toddlers are fun because every so often they‘ll agree with almost anything you say.
Me: we’re going out tonight okay?
Toddler: yeah.
Me: we’re gonna get into some trouble.
Toddler: yeah.
Me: start a revolution.
Toddler: yeah!
Me: Then we’ll go to bed.
Toddler: no.
“Is it better to be feared, or to be loved?” Cats chose both, and they’re doing fine
Who called them mermaids and not scale models?