My wife caught me looking at a seagull at the beach so now we’re in this big fight.
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If you like a girl in the gym aggressively walk up to her and say, “Hey babe, let me show you how that exercise is supposed to be done, sweetheart.” Instant phone number.
captain: listen up, i need some help writing the number two in roman numerals
crew: I I captain
If only my Fitbit could measure the calories I burn while seething.
I’m currently in between meals and not very happy about it
Oompa Loompa: When you die do we get the factory?
Wonka: No, I’ll just invite 5 random kids and murder 4.
Oompa Loompa: We need a union…
[Lab]
Co-worker: “Where’s all the microscope oil and acetic acid?”
Me: (with a mouthful of salad topped with vinaigrette) I dunno.
8 out of 24 Americans cannot reduce a fraction.
me on the way to work having not cooked anything in at least three weeks: shit, did i turn off the stove?
*spider falls on my desk*
*pulls fire alarm*
*stands in hallway & points firefighters toward my desk*
If I ever go to prison I will immediately go up to the biggest person and tickle them.
[me getting caught in a lie at a party] I didnt say he owned one I said he worked there
[guy putting his drink down] no no you said your uncle owned a KFC
ME: i want the ad to say “for sale: baby shoes, never worn”
AD GUY: oh wow that’s so sad
ME: totally. they’re so cute but my feet were just too big
me: i have an imaginary gf
therapist: u can do better than that
me: i know, it’s just–
therapist: i was talking to her
I moved to LA 9 months ago and I’ve just been circling around this whole time looking for a parking spot.
I like to take my pants off in the middle of arguments so they end quicker.
Irish I was a lil bit smaller. Irish I was a leprechaun baller. Irish I had a shamrock & a hat, & endless gold coins in a big black cauldron
[my funeral]
priest: we are all going to miss, uh… *snaps finger* you know.. *glances at my wife*
wife: *turns to my mom*
mom: Greg? I feel like it was something close to Greg.
SIRI: Brian, what goes “blah blah blah, I don’t know anything, please help me”?
ME: Uhh
SIRI: It’s you. That’s what you sound like.
Me: How many would be the equivalent?
Salesman: Sir, I don’t think-
Me: Look, I don’t own a horse.
I have no idea how strong a horse is. Horsepower means nothing to me. What’s the pissed off cat power in this baby?
Welcome to your 50s where the weekend means it’s time to try a new vodka and a new chainsaw at the same time.
“Get at least 8 hours of beauty sleep. 9 if you’re ugly.” – Betty White
i hav cat-like reflexes
“prove it”
*looks at a cat*
(instantly) i like that cat
If I were a Scooby Doo villain, I’d take the whole thing to court. How hard can it be to overturn the testimony of 4 kids who talk to a dog?
I’m one whole face and body rearrangement away from being Scarlett Johansson.
Scientist: The average person spends 6.9 hours a week on Twitter.
Me: You mean a day?
Scientist: What?
Me: What?
If you don’t fall in love with me, I’ll write poetry about you and then you’ll regret it.
imagine you’re in a heated argument with a Wiccan and they start lighting candles.
if i was a killer who escaped around halloween, i would consider hiding around a haunted carnival that was largely populated by unassuming teenagers.
me:
I like to speak to my attorney please.wife:
Just tell me which shoes look better please.
If I were Noah, I’d bring 3 of every animal just to create some drama.