I used to be able to eat whatever I wanted without gaining weight. Now I pick up a fork and gain seven pounds.
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4-year-old: Tell me a scary story!
Me: One time little people popped out of your mom and they never stopped asking questions.
4: Why?
me: hey can i get some ground?
groundhog: you may not.
Putting 7 to bed and she started asking me questions about having babies. I answered as well as I could for her level and was feeling quite pleased with myself. I told her she could ask me anything so naturally her next question was how do shipwrecks happen.
*seductively feeding you chicken wings while you hit on a hot chick
“I’m sorry, I really don’t know what a wingman is supposed to do.”
“I can’t wait to feel you between my thighs tonight,” I say to my new memory foam pillow, which has been helping realign my spine while granting remarkable relief from lower back pain.
At the end of “Grease,” the car just started flying and everyone was all, “Aw, good for them.”
What a year we’ve had this week.
[FIRST DATE]
Her: I’m a vegan
Me: [*trying to impress her] People hate me too
By the nervous look on his face I thought my boyfriend had an engagement ring hidden in his hand but it was just a stranger’s bra.
Whew.
No matter how much I shake my phone, you still won’t come out. Are you stuck? I think you’re stuck.
Me: I will not be tricked into buying stuff I don’t need.
Ad: Buy 4, get one free.
Me: I’ll take 10 then.
To be honest, the only thing I really like about being a grownup is getting to eat a Popsicle right after I finish eating a Popsicle.
There’s 3 parents in my kids lives and each of us does our best to raise them as best as we can.
My husband is great with playing games with them.
I’m good at taking them outside to play.
And Stevie the TV babysits them the rest of the day.
Genie: you have three wishes
Me: I wish we never met
Genie: but then how would I grant…
Me: your problem
*ring ring* Hello?
“If u want to see ur son again give me $500,000”
OH GOD PLEASE DONT HURT HIM
“I won’t if u-”
Haha gotcha, leave a message
Doctor: You’ve got high blood pressure & water retention. Do you know what that gives you?
Me: Boiling water?
Doctor: Ha! No,you’re dying.
Waking up the guy next to me on the plane to tell him to tell the stewardess not to wake me when they come around with snacks
FBI AGENT: [lifting crime scene tape and walking in] dale howard, fbi
ME: [following him] bob vulfov, looking for a bathroom
He wanted to role play, then got all mad when I acted like a prohibitionist and banned sex.
it takes 700 grapes to make a bottle of wine and that’s why you’re fat
My husband picks fights with me like he doesn’t even value half of all his assets.
Films and television have led me to believe that masquerade balls have a higher mortality rate than most wars.
Sorry I disappeared from our zoom
I fell off my chair trying to shake a spider off my shoe
Accordion to research, 9 out of 10 people don’t notice when you replace words with random musical instruments.
Women’s Magazines:
Pg 1. You’re beautiful and perfect just the way you are
Pg 2. How to lose 20kg in 10 days.
[restaurant]
me: *pointing* I’ll have that platter for one please
server: but that’s the ‘All You Can Eat’ buffet table, sir
me: challenge accepted
95% of pet ownership is just saying “hello” to them in various tones.
Every change you make in life starts with crafting clothes for nuns. It’s all about creating habits.
Mission Control: Stand by for launch in 5-4-3
Astronaut: WE’RE NOT READY YET
MC: Why?
Me: [in background] No way man seatbelts are for nerds
There’s a mom at the school pickup with a shirt that says “I don’t always whoomp, but when I do, there it is.” I think I love her