Me: I forbid you to go!
Her: What was that?
Me: You heard me! I said, “I’d really appreciate it if you’d reconsider!”
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I tried to twerk and have spent most of the afternoon stuffing my waistline back into my shorts.
The optometrist sees the one eyed man’s glasses as half-full. The pessometrist sees them as half-empty.
My favorite act of vengeance is befriending your dad and convincing him that dread locks would look cool on him.
GOD [creating humans] make them intelligent, sophisticated and rational
ANGEL: ok cool
GOD: but if they get told a plate is hot, they have to touch it lol
I bought a off brand Roomba for black Friday and im already having a Detroit: Become human experience with it.
“stop dont go there”
off brand roomba: “goes there (faster)”
For the last time, I don’t have any secret prison camps.
Anyone who doesn’t believe me will be sent to a secret prison camp.
Explaining email to a time traveler: It’s like a mail but I get it on my device. For example *pointing at American Red Cross email* this person asks me for some of my blood, every day.
*octopus goes in for a palm reading*
Psychic: “CANCEL ALL MY APPOINTMENTS”
First they make you step on the scale, and then they announce your weight out loud. It’s like the assistants at the doctor’s office don’t know anything about women.
Why do people brag about having tall kids, like relax dude all you did was have sex
Theres plenty of fish in the sea. Theres loads of trash at the dump. Theres tons of bones in a skeleton. Bugs are everywhere.
My toddler puts his pants on just like everyone else.
One arm at a time.
Them: What year is your car?
Me: It’s brown.
Kurt Cobain did not die for you to wear his t-shirt to an Imagine Dragons concert
*decorating the tree*
6yo: Dad, can I help?
Me: Of course! First we string the lights, then we show Mommy & she tells us what we did wrong.
I watched someone give a Starbucks Unicorn Frappuccino to a homeless woman. She took one sip and threw it in the trash.
I made a barista at Starbucks cry when I put my name down as “Dad” and he just stood there calling it over and over
*Cleans house*
*looks at family*
“I’m going to have to ask you to leave”
My 5-year-old “is the milk from nice cows?” Idk dude just eat your cereal
Getting high with witches sounds super cool until they start looking at you and whispering about sacrifices.
Interviewer: “What’s your greatest accomplishment?”
Me: “I was in a lot of people’s MySpace Top 8s back in 2004.”
I love when young people try to insult me and say ‘It’s way past your bedtime old man’. Bro, it’s not an insult, it’s a reminder.
“Whoever’s in charge of this music sucks”
This is a funeral. Show some respect.
“Whoever’s in charge of this music sucks, sir.”
I’m a lot like a wild Pokémon in the bedroom. I only know four moves and I come out of nowhere.
me: babe, i think we’re ready to take this to the next level. here’s a key, i want you to move in
her: it says volvo on it
Schedule your appointment early in the month before your dentist starts fretting about their next boat payment.
I hate to get all religious on you but can I just have a minute of your time to talk about my air fryer?
8yo: You’re annoying me!
10yo: No, you’re annoying me!
Me: Guys, guys, guys. You’re both annoying me.
I tried dusting after five energy drinks now my house is on fire.
So no pizza place on Ninja Turtles ever questioned the delivery address being “The Sewer”