5: I love this pizza. can you marry food?
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holiday horror movie idea: you have 10 days to complete a completely reasonable task that takes 20 minutes to do
Me: I just need some time alone, please.
*closes door*– Ma’am, if you’re not trying on clothes, we’ll need you to leave the dressing room.
If the stick figure people started committing more crimes… I could be a legendary sketch artist for the FBI.
I saw a bumper sticker that said “retired AF”
Not sure if he was Air Force, or just super retired
God: Done
Angel: you can’t be finished
God: I am
Angel: but that’s a hairless cat-
God: aaand send
MENTOR: I am now sponsored by Cheetos, but it shan’t affect my wise counsel
ME: How can I become-
MENTOR: Dangerously cheesy? Glad you asked
Obvious red flags:
*he’s jealous of any and all carbs you eat, especially the breakfast kind
*he keeps pictures of celebrities in his wallet so he can mock their eyebrows
*he tries to control how you play with his dog, insisting she’s a level 10 necromancer
Hand a baby a fork and he looks like a young Poseidon.
If cartoons are a reliable guide, the secret to never ageing is wearing the same clothes every day.
sorry but I don’t want to go to another platform where I have to make things either aesthetically appealing (IG, TT) or like nerdy specialized (Reddit) I’m trying to be a talkative idiot
INTERVIEWER: If Harry Potter was real, what Hogwarts house would you be in?
ME: What do you mean “if” Harry Potter was real?
I’m sorry I pretended I was dead when I saw you at a grocery store.
Shouldn’t octopus apendages be called eightacles?
Shaggy and the gang are out there trying to discredit demons all while hanging out with a talking dog. My dudes, that IS a demon
It’s National Donut Day and I have failed to eat a single donut. 2020 is truly a catastrophe…
If you can name four Metallica songs, you are in Metallica.
Windows 10 has an extremely unhelpful error message
Please pray for my 5yo who demanded I get him a glass of water because he’s “too thirsty to walk to the kitchen”.
SOUND GUY: [taps microphone] this is a test, testing, testing…1, 2, 3..
MICROPHONE: [sweatig profusley] OH GOD, UH. FOUR?!! FOUR, IS IT FOUR
i just want a guy i can call papi (not in the grandpa way)
Of course I know the difference between right and wrong … wrong is the fun one
Wife: The zoo called
Me: [wearing hat made out of live lemurs] they say what they want?
Him: Don’t you think that’s enough Bailey’s in your coffee?
Me: I’m in morning
[during sex]
Hand me my reading glasses
I love how popular barn weddings are…because nothing says marriage like horse shit.
I have a dentist appointment this afternoon. What’s the quickest way to erase a year of bad decisions?
Me: No, you hang up first
Pizza Hut: *click*