I’m not superstitious, I’m just kindastitious!!!
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I lied and told someone, “I can’t go to your party I have diarrhea.” I actually do have diarrhea but historically that hasn’t stopped me
Welcome to parenthood. The expression “slept like a baby” doesn’t mean what you think it means.
[50 YEARS FROM NOW]
Homemade hand sanitizer, just like Mama used to make.
Facebook post: Sad news. Mom passed away this morning.
Facebook: Be the first person to like this.
Dear Couples Who Fight In Public, stop trying to whisper and would it kill you to include some backstory.
I hope my enemies are walking around in wet socks.
“The other day” -me referring to the year 2017
Do you smoke after sex?
Person looks down…”I don’t know, I never checked.”
Me: How much for the snake hamster?
Pet Store Clerk: That’s a ferret
Last night, I spent 15 minutes at a party waiting for a man to move closer to a woman he was hitting on so I could reach behind him for Fritos
Me: I’m gonna go outside and stand in the field
Boss: Haha so we can say you’re “outstanding in your field”
Me: No I want to get hit by lightning
If I’ve learned one important thing about the human race, it’s that we don’t need best-before dates on bags of potato chips.
Yeah, I use She pronouns.
But not like a girl, like a boat.
Day 4 of quarantine: I’ve gained 796 pounds.
fun prank: go observe the newborns at the hospital & if someone asks which is yours say “I haven’t decided yet” while sobbing uncontrollably
The worst thing about parallel parking is witnesses.
flight: scheduled to depart at 3 pm
my parents at 4 am:
[At microphone]
*clears throat*
“Salsa. Ballet. Conga. Waltz. Jitterbug. Tap.”
*crowd cheers*
“Thanks for attending my dance recital.”
[Frat party]
Everybody: CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG-
CHUCK: {walking into the room} ME ME ME- oh.
i failed a piss test at work you guys. Yeah, I made a poop instead! Hahahaha
I use a wheelchair. I love it when people ask me if I know one of their friends in a wheelchair, like we’re all in a secret wheelchair club.
Me: *buying 50lb bag of chicken food*
Cashier: Do you have chickens?
Have some fun at work: End every comment with a long slow wink
“My report is super late”
*long slow wink*“I swear I didn’t drink at lunch”
*long slow wink*“Oh, I’m fired?”
*long slow wink*
Picture me and my boyfriend on a dinner date
Wrong
We’re sitting on the same side of the table making you uncomfortable
Sorry I can’t make it to your party this weekend, but I’m busy not wanting to come.
“snitches get stitches”
Me: *bleeding profusely* Hello, Cops? My brother stole Chapstick from CVS in 1997
The quickest way to get your kid to do their homework is to ask them to help with some chores
I make out with a squirrel at a party one time, and now everyone is scared of me?
That’s just ridiculous, he was dead for at least 2 hours.
Wife: Will he still able to play the accordion?
Doc: Ma’am, your husband has no brain function whatsoever
Wife: So yes then
My son’s voicemails from camp sound like Civil War updates:
“Hi mother. I’m in charge of taking everyone down Salt Creek in canoes. It’s been pouring for days and our tents are soaking. Morale is low. I love you.”