Last night my mom made dinner, serving up a nice plate of “You had so much potential” with a steaming side of “You shoulda married Jeff.”
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Wait. We’re now saying *yesty* for *yesterday*? Who decides these things?
If you ever feel like a complete moron never forget that I managed to text my wife today that she forgot her mobile at home. You’re welcome.
I always draw track marks on my arms and cough a lot when visiting family so that no one asks me to hold their baby or help prepare food.
that co-worker that never lets you get your shit done.
Doctors who give out lollipops really treat their patients
Bing: It’s Dutch! This tweet is in Dutch! Let me translate it for you!
Me: no it isn’t, she just said “hahahaha”
Bing: come on give me a shot you won’t regret this
Me: fine i’ll click it
Bing (instantly): Could Not Translate
Almost nailed it! 😂🤣
I saw a banner by a local restaurant that told the community thanks for 30 great years and my mind thought “oh so since like 1960s they’ve been open” then I finished reading the banner “Since 1992”. well shit.
you ever take a long hard look at yourself and think, “wow, i should really clean this mirror.”
My husband: Put on something hot and do a sexy dance for me, baby.
Me: *puts on Snuggie and does the worm*
Me: [to myself] ok, act cool
Crush: nice weather today
Me: thanks
7-year-old: I won breakfast!
Me: You can’t win breakfast. You just eat it.
7: Said the loser.
this christmas when my grandma asks when i’m having kids i’m gonna look her dead in the eyes and say “i have decided to end our blood line once and for all” and just see what happens
Love to go to hipster restaurants and eat half a grilled cheese off an old license plate.
Toddler: we watch peed her pants
Me: you peed your pants?
Toddler: no PEED HER PANTS
Me: who peed her pants!?
Toddler: we watch PEED HER PANTS!!!
Me: Peter Pan?
Toddler: ya peed her pants
I call my wife “Wordle”
She keeps me guessing.
I’m seldom right.
And it’s a daily occurrence.
Wife: You were supposed to watch the kids!
Me: I am
Wife: They’re drawing on the walls!
Me: I said I’d watch. I didn’t say I’d intervene.
Being unable to recreate this high is why we all have depression.
My kitchen drawer was stuck but my husband got it open. I guess all it needed was a big jerk.
Imagine being a witch and you’re all excited because you just brewed up a wicked potion but then you realize now you gotta clean out that cauldron and it’s too big for the dishwasher ugh
Single white female seeking a nice, respectful paycheck and 401k to settle down with.
My new body spray is called Decaying Corpse
It’s from Bed Bath & Beyond the Grave.
I start opening a delivered package before I even get back inside and my wife can let her packages sit unopened on the table for a week. Which one needs therapy?
Dear God I need smarter followers.
God: Me too.
wow just finished my high intensity daily workout (taking all the cups from my room back down to the kitchen) and i’m feeling that burn. no excuses guys train hard go hard be Hard
Don’t ever put money in a savings account because your house will find out and break something expensive.
I don’t know why movies bother to use fake blood when our bodies are absolutely filled with their own renewable supply
Apparently you’re not supposed to tell “That’s what she said jokes” during the Board meeting because it’s “inappropriate”
I only had 3 goals in Monopoly as a kid:
Dog game piece
Boardwalk and Park Place.
Steal your money when you go to the bathroom.
Putting on a bra is like trying to wrestle two pigs into a potato sack.