Me: I’m an actor
Date: Oh that’s cool!
Me: Have you seen “No Country For Old Men?”
Date: I love that movie!
Me: Yeah it’s awesome. Anyway, haven’t booked any roles yet.
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Then: Runs 5 miles every morning before work
Now: Picks up a dryer sheet with my toes so I don’t have to bend over
I practice social distancing by wearing my murder clown costume when I’m out in public.
*someone hands me a baby*
Oh… no thank you
*places baby on the ground*
A baby is 75% water. So if I walked on babies I’d be 75% Jesus. #SolidLogic
Asked my wife to pick up something from Home Depot and she’s texted me 47 questions and sent 300 pictures of the wrong item captioned “this?” so now I understand why she doesn’t let me go grocery shopping by myself.
The Macarena began playing through the dental office speakers as I lied helpless with the hygienist’s hands in my mouth today. #survivor
Am not being sponsored to say this but if you’re like me and enjoy wearing jean-shorts but dislike the feeling of cold on your lower legs, check out “jeans”. They’re like jean-shorts but longer.
*Texting* “Yeah sorry I’ve just got something very important to do. You go without me.”
*Pan out to me laying on the bed with a pan of brownies*
[drops a pinch of fish food into fish tank]
ME: here ya go little buddies
FISH: oh wow pukey shit flakes again, thanks man
I appreciate that the saleslady informed me I’d be more comfortable in a 36B cup size, but this is a Best Buy & I’m looking for humidifiers.
Man: “If I did not know about God and sin, would I go to hell?” Priest: “No, not if you did not know.” Man: “Then why did you tell me?”
“You do realize, that’s completely idiotic, and makes no sense at all…Right?”
-People who are told how tennis is scored for the first time
I’m at a Metallica concert, and the woman beside me just used her phone to google “Metallica.”
I was lying next to 4 and he looked into my eyes and stroked some hair off my face and my heart melted but then he stroked a bit harder and said “mummy I can’t rub the lines out your face”
My husband ordered a hearing aid off of Amazon. I’m so screwed you guys.
Satan was all alone with Eve, NAKED, at the forbidden tree and all he did was to convince her to eat a fruit? GAY.
Can I do this?
-Kids, while doing it
*turns my phone upside down like a tip and strip pen*
Everyone naked?
One time a friend said that he “ain’t never had no nothing”. It remains the only time where I have heard someone use a quadruple negative.
Maybe Van Gogh cut his ear off because someone traveled back in time and whispered a Drake song in it.
Me: I’ve got mismatched socks do you think that’s ok
Wife: I don’t think anyone’s gonna notice
Me: I’m gonna tell em
I met 500 new people in the last four months and I remember all of them just not their names or faces
The existence of Kylo Ren implies the existence of Kylo Stimpy.
I use the word “thingy” when I cant think of the word:
Me- Are you picking up the “thingy’s?”
Wife- …you mean your kids?
Me- Dont judge me
8 has had his harmonica for barely a week and is already recording tutorials for his ‘fans’ so if anyone would like a class on how to sound like a cat choking on another cat hit me up
I’ve invented a new cologne that is just one part bug spray and three parts campfire
When I’m old enough, my kids better not leave me alone with a box of Crayolas and anything upholstered
me: I can’t decide what to have
waiter: what about the duck?
duck: I’ll have lasagna
See ya later, alligator.
After a while, crocodile.
Catch ya mañana, little iguana.