the fire alarm is to warn the fire that the fire department is coming
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I was getting fed up at my job and was considering quitting but they’ve upgraded the toilet paper in the office restroom so I’m good now.
[biologists find beached whale]
its a new species
what can we call it?
[surfer walks by] yo killer whale bro
[biologists look at each other]
E
E
E
E
E
e
e
e
e
e
ᴱ
ᴱ
ᴱ
ᴱ
ᴱ*dolphin diving off a cliff*
When you stop looking for it is when you’ll find it.
Happiness, love, that last beer in the back of the fridge.
Everyone talks about finding the one that makes their heart skip a beat. Personally I’m not looking to develop a heart problem
Coach: Ice cream! My treat
Kids: Yay— wait where’s ours?
Coach: My treat
flight attendant: would you like two peanuts
me: please
fa: thimble of soda
me: ok
fa: move your seat back 1/8″
me: oh gosh no, I don’t deserve to travel in this much luxury
“Great minds think alike”
So do stupid minds
Gigaflops sounds like a replay of my life
Did you ask her out?
Yes.
And?
She only dates guys named Matt.
Cause she likes to walk all over them?
No, tattoo she can’t afford to remove.
*passenger next to me starts putting on headphones*
Are you mad at me?
Check out the free section of Craiglist and treat yourself to a little something special.
My doctor called and said they couldn’t use the stool sample that I sent in and asked if I could give them another and I’m like “I thought you’d never ask!”
This day is looking better already!
You cause one minor incident at a museum and everyone is “Irreplaceable Egyptian mummy” this and “Could have used regular toilet paper” that
Me: dang those wings were spicy
WebMD: you have cancer
Me: I just ate buffalo wings I’m pretty sure it’s just heartburn
WebMD: ᵇᵘᶠᶠᵃˡᵒ ᶜᵃⁿᶜᵉʳ
Someone asked us to sign a petition in favor of backyard chickens and now my kids have a new idea for a pet
Me: I’m very observant
Also me: *pulls away from drive thru without order*
Husband: Can you ever be serious?
Me *using candy corn as fangs* Yeth.
Dear everyone THE PEEPS ARE MY BABIES please do not eat them. Take them home. Give them warmth and comfort. Allow them to nest beside your TV. Give them your passwords so they can log on to the dark web and order books about witchcraft to summon Cthulhu. Let them swim in the sink
[in conference room]
Coworker: What time is it?
Me: Time to get a watch, Carl *moonwalks out of room*
It’s only a matter of time before the casino realizes that baby I lost at the roulette table wasn’t mine
It’s all fun and games until you accidentally stab a space monk
‘Hello Microsoft support, what’s the nature of the problem?’
‘Eggshell’
‘Eggshell??’
‘Yesh’
‘Oh hello again Mr Connery. Spreadsheet issues?’
Him: Are you crazy crazy, Craigslist crazy, or institutionalize crazy?
Me: Yes
Nice try, self check out lanes. There’s not even any mirrors.
Me: [in Airplane Mode] Don’t call me
Me: [in Airplane! Mode] Don’t call me Shirley
Hey boy, are you a pepper? Because you give me indigestion but I still want to get jalapeño business.
Penguin: is it true birds fly south for the winter?
God: yes but you don’t need to fly.
Penguin: why?
God: you already live as far south as possible.
Penguin: oh yeah!
God: and you live there all year long!
Penguin: oh man the other birds are gonna be so jealous : )