Billy Joel is wearing damp clothes because he didn’t start the dryer
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Ok I have a confession…. When I was 10 I use to get hungry during the church service and I would sneak to the kitchen and heat up the sausage biscuits they would have in the fridge for Sunday school. I didn’t know they kept inventory. They said 100 went missing in a month 🫠
7: You sent me in without crazy socks today.
Me: I sent you in with the backwards shirt.
7: But it was Wacky Hair Day!
Me: CAN’T YOU KIDS JUST GO TO SCHOOL
“What’s the worst that could happen?” I ask my son, as we enter the bear enclosure in matching Winnie the Pooh costumes
If people are going to judge me they should at least hold up scorecards so I know how I’m doing.
My family doesn’t get together a lot during the holidays.
We see each other enough throughout the year at all the interventions.
My husband and I are co-counsel in trial today.
We already had an argument about who would drive to the courthouse.
This should be good.
I’m putting on weight for a movie
*eats popcorn in cinema
I don’t trust people who keep their jackets on after they’ve arrived.
That’s what I do when I’m going to escape.
Mechanic: Your car’s got a flat
Me: It’s called a garage
At a concert if the band asks “How’s everyone feeling tonight” I’m like maybe we shouldn’t have built our country on an Indian burial ground
‘Trying to figure out why the police and I seem to chase the same type of guys’
if the neighbor kid is driving you nuts practicing saxophone you can complain or teach her Careless Whisper – maybe be a problem solver
Whenever someone tells me “make yourself at home” at their house, I always clog their toilet
I don’t know what my husband is planning on doing for me for Mother’s Day but I hope it’s the laundry.
For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.
Robin: “Let me drive the Batmobile!”
Batman: “Never. I’d rather let Superman.”
*wall breaks down*
Superman: “OMG really??”
Batman: “No.”
Romantic cop: Here, I brought you a flower.
Competitive about everything cop: Big deal. I brought you a flowest.
I really was gonna jog at the park today….but I just found an empty park bench so I’ll just have a few smokes and cheer the joggers on.
Dropped a peanut butter cracker and no one came running so of course my first thought was that the dogs had been raptured.
If you stand by and watch someone wreck their life, you’re part of the problem
And yet we all still go to weddings for the open bar
I take my phone with me when I go down into the basement, so if I fall and can’t get up I’ll still be able to tweet.
“Why have a ballroom, with no Balls?”
-Disney’s Frozen
I paused the movie to tweet this…
Look, ice cream has eggs in it, therefore it is a breakfast food.
Sex so good your binoculars fog up.
Council: We’ll pay you 30 pieces of silver.
Judas: Never. He’s my friend.
Council: …and an iPad.
Judas: I hate that guy.
If I ever make plans with you, please have backup plans.
5 yo- Why are you always with your husband?
Me- *questioning everything in my life* Because we live together?
Yoda: “You must unlearn what you have learned.”
Me: “Got it.”
*shits pants*
well, my kid accomplished at least one of the two reminders she gave Alexa last night