My 5yo would like to wish you all a Happy Balance Time Day
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My husband sending mixed signals like, insisting we reduce our online shopping, but also buying and installing a bigger mailbox that “Holds a lot more.”
Assert your dominance by crossing out your coworkers name on their food and put your own.
Then eat it in front of them.
My daughters steal my hoodies so they don’t have to deal with having a boyfriend in case you’re wondering why I’m concerned for the bloodline.
I’m sorry your husband gets out his guitar when guests are over and keeps playing the first few chords of Wild Thing
“Hi-”
“I have a boyfriend.”
“Do y-”
“I have a boyfriend.”
“Excuse m-”
“I have a boyfriend.”
“I JUST WANNA KNOW WHERE THE BATHROOM IS.”
Been running on this treadmill for three hours but the timer says 16 minutes
Thanks for the reply to my tweet from 2013, champ. I’ll be sure to take your advice.
A shake for breakfast. A shake for lunch. A sensible dinner. SEVENTY FIVE COOKIES AT 12:34AM
Well it’s now clear to me that this crime scene would be considered, what? Pants required? Pants preferred?
Hey, is that guy dead?
A gentleman never eats his soup by soaking it into his tie and squeezing it out into his mouth
I know repetitive noises irritate people so I’m surprised there weren’t more rage-induced murders back when typewriters were being used
Yeah sex is great, but have you ever rubbed your eyes for a really long time? O. M. G.
My son is happy I’m staying off twitter until he goes to bed so as to spend more time with him.
He is not happy with his new 6pm bedtime
*pronounces lingerie as ling – gary*
[Father’s Day]
ME: I got you this meat thermometer. Hopefully it works well…
DAD: Hopefully it works medium and rare too!
Who called it a “Brazilian wax” and not “another way to skin the cat?
Social media: We’re getting rid of chronological order.
Everyone: NO!
SM: Cool, right?!
Everyone: NO!
SM: Glad you’re excited!
Nobody:
Mime:
Mute person:
Fight club member:
Parrot:
Torturer who just boldly claimed he had ways of making people talk: oh no
The Macarena is pretty menacing if you do it in silence in the queue at the bank.
This documentary says Barbie has had over 300 illustrious careers. And only one boyfriend.
You can just call me Opposite Barbie.
Telling my Gen Z coworker that I have email addresses older than her was not the flex I thought it would be
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: Was it the air guitar?
Cop: *shy* Yeah can… can I get your autograph?
Me: Happens all the time.
Cop: Thanks!
Me: Hey! This is a ticket!
FYI – They won’t let you just pick a kid to take with you from the Lost & Found at Toys R Us. You actually have to be the parent.
ME: …but it’s dairy-free
WIFE: I don’t care, I’m not calling it “peanut margarine”
My toddler just told me I’m the best mummy ever because I “bought the good cheese for once” so I’ll be riding this high until her next tantrum
[first date]
HER: You smell so good. What are you wearing?
ME: *nodding and sniffing myself* Mashed potatoes with gravy.
Me: I’m tired
My brain: turn on the tv
Me: but I need sleep
My brain: go pay some bills
Me: I’m so exhausted
My brain: oRgAnIzE yOuR sPiCes
How do the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles have 6-pack abs? They can’t do sit-ups.
if u think ur house is haunted get a cat. whooshing sound? it’s the cat. hear footsteps? def the cat. unseen being devouring your soul? cat.