[first time]
HER: (handing me condom) Do you know how to put this on?
ME: They showed us in health class.
HER: Good.
ME: Okay, where’s the banana?
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Expect the unexporcupine.
Server: What kind of sauce do you want for your pasta?
15: The tears of my enemies…
Kids are fun.
I started feeding the birds a steady diet of pastel died Rice… You know, to brighten up the neighborhood a little bit…
Got kicked out of the supermarket for aggressively cuddling the peaches again
bank website: you have one password attempt remaining before we kill your entire family
GUY: *busts in bleeding* i owe money to some bad dudes you gotta help me
ME: *proudly reaches down and pulls the pennies out of my loafers* you’ve come to the right place
Humans are 58% water. Jellyfish are 95% water. Therefore, humans are 61% jellyfish.
All I’m saying is pulling a lion out of your hat is actually much more impressive than pulling a rabbit out of your hat.
“Daddy, why do I have to go to school?”
“So you don’t end up like me”
“What, awesome?”
“Alright fine, no school today”
imagime if introverts were as aggresive to extroverts as extroverts r to introverts
“why do u hav to socialize”
“why dont u stay in”
“loser”
Me: Dad gave me a sip of beer when I was 6 and I hated it. It was really effective in helping me to not rely on alcohol when dealing with my anger issues.
Prison Psychiatrist: you killed 8 people.
Me: yeah but I was super Zen about it
Sometimes I vacuum not because I need to vacuum, but because I want my kids to leave me alone
How it started: How it’s going:
Virtual learning silver lining: When your kids don’t leave the house all day, you can go longer without bathing them.
“Oh my gosh, this is the biggest donut I’ve ever seen.”
“Mam, that’s a tire.”
“Kids, get me a napkin.”
[making yellowjackets]
Angel: These things don’t really do anything other than sting people
God: We’re running out of college mascots
There was a cricket on my toilet seat so I just backed out awkwardly. Lock the door next time, bro.
Me in my 20’s: Naive af.
Me in my 40’s: Same af.
Can anyone live in a sewer or do you have to be a clown or a Ninja Turtle
Now that the sleep paralysis demon is trapped in my head, he’s starting to rethink his decisions
My girlfriend told me I was getting sex today. Oops. I better not jinx it.
*knocks on morning wood*
[elementary school]
BULLY: gimme your lunch money
ME: no
B: *grabs me by shirt* I said give it
M: ok but this has to stop I’m your teacher
The way my life is now if I threw caution to the wind it would just throw it back.
mom: what’s that internet thing called, “scream shitting”?
me: …
me: shitposting?
mom: SHITPOSTING.
Newspapers are cool because you can cut out eye holes and spy on people. Try that with an iPad.
DAD: when your grandpa died we planted that tree so we don’t forget him
ME: cool
[later]
TREE: You still remember grandpa chuck?
ME: yeah
TREE: cool just checkin
“I’ve an appointment with Dr Patel.”
“Dr Patel is off sick today so-”
[slowly backs away & whispers]
“U people can’t even help yourselves.”
“40 times.”
“What are you talking about?”
“That’s how much greater my sense of smell is than yours.”
“Okay, so what’s your point?”
“My point is, Dave, we really need to discuss your personal hygiene.”
Normal Bar: Hey bud we can’t let you in here with that pocket knife
Renaissance Faire: Here’s 32oz of meade and a bow & arrow go crazy
[prison hospital]
PRIEST: Would you like to ask for forgiveness for anything?
CHARLES MANSON: Not that I can think of
PRIEST: …
CHARLES MANSON: …
PRIEST: Do you want a hint?