What my teens said: There’s nothing to eat
What my teens meant: WE ATE ALL THE FOOD!
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I believe it is important to be an organ donor, which is why I am willing to donate my second chin to anyone missing a chin.
Twitter is my favorite MMORPG ever. I just say nasty shit and then I get to collect awesome people like experience points.
HELLO? HELP! I’VE BEEN KIDNAPPED & DROPPED IN A NON-ENGLISH-SPEAKING COUNTRY & I DON’T KNOW- wait. Nm. Fell asleep at Szechuan Palace again.
I’m completely naked under all this pizza.
[after losing a rap battle]
me: I didn’t realize how much rhymed with jorts
The difference between a hippo and a zippo is that one is really heavy and the other is a little lighter. Thank you, g’nite.
Me: goodnight sweetheart
9: mummy!
Me: is it important
9: YES
Me: what’s up
9: do you think someone could live if they had organs and a skull but no other bones
I had an irrational fear of bees until I saw My Girl and it became rational.
me: [answers phone in meeting] “this better be important”
wife: “i think we’re having a baby”
me: [sighs] “you told me that 9 months ago”
Iron Man died in a house fire from leaving himself on.
[HIGH SCHOOL]
teacher: you’ll use calculus one day
[AGE 40]
me: *standing on textbook to get twinkies from high shelf* whoa how did she know
Interviewer- Marlene, what inspired you to pursue a life of comedy?
Marlene- Well, I’m glad you asked…
*Mouth directly on mic*
YOUR FACE
I’m pretty sure when Kenny Rogers said we gotta know when to fold em, he was talking about slices of pizza
“Just make sure Nazis NEVER march with tiki torches. I’m trying to save Germany, not Gilligan’s Island.” — Hitler’s last words
[At the Grand Canyon]
Me:
I L o v e T h i s P l a c e
[ECHO]
[ECHO]
GC: Let’s just be friends
The second world war should have been called world war returns
when i was a kid we didn’t play house. we played courtroom. and let me tell you, i sent my fair share of teddy bears to the electric chair
A group of contradictions is called a “Bible.”
are we supposed to just accept that gingerbread men live in houses built from the flesh of their fellow men
You think you got your shit together until you try to spell Dave Chappelle
[Family BBQ]
Ken: Doing this in Australia was a good idea!
Barbie: Please stop throwing shrimp at me.
I don’t date men unless they have tentacles. It’s called having standards.
My husband is mad at me because I’m finger quotes “condescending”.
Just saw New England clam chowder, a soup that I thoroughly enjoy, described as “hot fish yogurt” and now I’m upset
You can only send, “I hope this email finds you in a pineapple under the sea” like 3, 4 times before they’ll fire you
I saw a vending machine that takes Apple Pay which sounds cool but imagine how much it would suck to lose your phone in there.
I don’t have kids, but once I was on a plane next to a man and his young daughter, a first-time flier, and as she looked out the window and squealed with excitement, I found myself thinking about how differently things could have turned out if I’d gotten that window seat.
This store brand ice cream tastes like someone tried chocolate once, then spent years drunkenly trying to recreate it in a lab
[in class]
Hermione: For once I want the teacher to get my name right!
Gar4y With a Silent 4: Totally know what ya mean