Just finished watching a movie, and I shall now begin my post-movie watching tradition of Googling who everyone in the cast is married to.
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You know you’re getting old when you have to watch shows that are in English with subtitles
[1st date]
HER: I’m really into PETA
ME: [trying to impress] I love dipping it in hummus
I cleaned out all my closets and now it looks like a flea market threw up in my dining room.
Putin takes over entire world while everybody searches for the missing plane.
My wife and I take turns going to our 11-year-old’s swim meets.
Two weeks in a row, when it was my turn, the meet got canceled.
Now our daughter always wants it to be my turn.
Looks like we all just want to stay home.
Me: I really need to stop putting things off to the last minute
Bomb squad: actually, 5 seconds
What makes you think I’m trying to poison you? Here, I made you this coffee. Its to die for. I mean its yummy!
I want to be 14 again so I can ruin my life differently. I have new ideas.
Me: Door knobs are for losers. Just kick it in.
Anger Management Coach: *takes off glasses and starts silently crying*
One of the most effective forms of birth control is assembling furniture together as a couple.
[Son’s 1st day of school]
Me: Did you make any friends today?
Son: Yes!
Me: *kneels down next to him* how do you do that?
[God inventing children]
A: Aw, so cute.
G: Make ’em scream.
A: But –
G: All the time. Just scream their heads off.
[at the plastic surgeon] please doc help me my Barbie doll has appendicitis
I don’t know who’s worse, the people who sign their cats’ names on Christmas cards, or the cats who refuse to sign.
The question I ask myself most often is, “What would a jury think about this?”
Found an old, dead mosquito in a storage box. You guys want to try and make a Jurassic Park?
My baby bump popped this week, and I’m still waiting for the maternity clothes I ordered to arrive. If you see me walking around looking like Winnie the Pooh, just mind ya business.
Husband: “Lost my keys again.”
Wife: “It’s in your Jeans.”
Husband: “Come on, Why do you have to Drag my family into this!”
Yes I can speak a foreign language if you count when I talk about the 80s in front of my nephews.
If you’re not going to learn the language of the country you’re visiting, at least take interpretive dance lessons.
My son texted me that he’d forgotten his favorite beer mug and asked if I’d email it to him. Naturally, I knew he meant to say mail, but don’t think for a second that stopped me from emailing him a picture of said mug.
Just stopped myself from thinking about this group of crows I saw last night when I realized that I was contemplating a murder.
[introducing my new girlfriend to my brothers]
ME: …so basically this is my last day at the monastery
DENTIST: You were very brave. Do you want something from the toy bucket?
ME: No thank you.
[Watching my husband gag having difficulty swallowing an omega-3 fish oil soft gel]
Me: Well, well, well Mr. “you can take it all, baby” it aint so easy is it?
*searches through desk for granola bar, can’t find it*
OK WHO STOLE MY *remembers eating granola bar yesterday* HEART? ALL OF YOU, THAT’S WHO.
February 2020 – *looks at phone to check the date*
April 2020 – *looks at phone to check what day of the week it is*
I remember the exact moment growing up when I came to know that a babysitter was not someone who sat on babies.
Sundries sounds like something grandma would call scandalous underwear
[Heart: Tell her her eyes are windows into eternity, filled with fire…
Brain: Beacons, stars in a vast darkness]
Mouth: HEY GREAT EYEBALLS