Just saw a ‘Jesus 2020’ sign and I had no idea he was running
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I wish the Antiques Roadshow guy had just told me how much my swords were worth without getting all nosy about where the blood came from.
I put my earbuds on just like everybody else. Frantically as someone approaches.
You think you got your shit together until you try to spell Dave Chappelle
Stop earbuds from tangling by putting them on then carefully stapling them to your body.
Who’s ready for music?
Not you.
You have tetanus
when dads have a rap battle
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: attention passengers is anyone here a doctor
PASSENGERS: sorry no
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: um ok then is anyone here a pilot
My kid got so bored he asked to do chores, so if you need me, I’ll be over here on my fainting couch
I sent 117 texts and called you 82 times but you must be busy so I came over to tell you the restraining order expired and I still love you!
*dresses like a kitty*
*climbs tree*
*waits for new fireman husband to come rescue me*
True freaking story!
I think I just went to third base with a jelly doughnut.
WIFE: Do something productive today
ME: I will
[later]
WIFE: What the-?
[dog zooms by in the car]
ME: I taught him how to drive, Karen
ME: Dave’s coming over for tea
WIFE: Dave from work or Dave I’m having a secret affair with?
DAVE: *from inside wardrobe* I don’t eat peas
Her: Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my coffee.
Me: Okay. When will that be?
Her: Oh, I don’t drink coffee.
I wish I was born in a year ending in zero so it’d be easier to remember how old I am. Thanks for following.
Husband: “Honey, I can’t find my sweatshirt and I’m cold. Have you seen it?”
Me: “Nope.”
Husband: “You’re wearing it right now…”
Me: I’ll see you in court, Counselor!
Her: Sir, I just asked if you want your Happy Meal to go.
Me: You can’t handle the truth!
Siri’s on her period. she needs an iPad
If I was a Spice Girl, I’d be onion powder.
[parent-teacher conference]
teacher: he’s doing so well, and he’s such a great listen-
me: coolcoolcool no doubt but when do you teach them to stop turning on every light in the house, is that this year or
*Arrives at work 2 hrs late
Boss: HR wants to see you about your behavior
Me: Well, I literally just got here so it couldn’t have been me
*pours milk over bowl of Doritos for breakfast*
“It’s not you, it’s me.” – Identical twins arguing over a photo.
My kids used to love the voice characters I’ve created while reading their favorite bedtime stories.
My wife during our sexy time does not.
if your newborn baby has a full head of hair that means it is a business baby and is ready to enter the world of finance
my dream is being pitted against the world’s greatest AI in a writing contest and crafting a story that’s so beautiful that I make the computer cry…
*meeting a medium for the first time*
Medium: There’s a maternal figure coming through. She loves you very much.
Me: Are there dinosaurs in Heaven?
I got my kid these awesome new bath toys so obviously she spent the whole time playing with a shampoo bottle
*rubs lamp*
*genie comes out*
You get 3 wishes. Just no wishing for more wishes.
“I wish for more genies.”
I SAID NO WI- oooh, you’re good.
All this data mining and Facebook still can’t tell me what to get my wife for her birthday.