SEXY POTATO: Hey buddy, my eyes are up here, and over here, and down here, and around here and
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peep davidson
3am
Brain: What if all cats are named Meow and all dogs are named Woof and they’re just correcting us when we call them by the names we gave them?
BARBER: *finishes cutting my hair*
ME: perfect, thanks
BARBER: *holds mirror up to the back of my head*
VOLDEMORT: yep, that’s great
I’m in a very dark place right now.
Suggestions on getting these motion sensing lights in the public bathroom to come back on…?
Bed Bath & Beyond starts off pretty normal-sounding, but then it goes galactic.
Drunk yoga, but it’s me trying to get the last drop out of my boxed wine.
People who say ‘be careful what you wish for’ have obviously never wished for free, unprotected, unlimited wifi from their neighbor.
Her: Your hair looks nice today
Me: Thanks. I slept differently.
“I love you and I will always keep you safe.”
DAUGHTER: What about bees?
“I love you and I will sometimes keep you safe.”
“Ah yes, well, the laws of quantum mechanics” is what I’m going to start saying, very pretentiously, when someone says something I don’t understand.
Jokes about communism aren’t funny unless everybody gets them
Me: Siri set an alarm for 6am tomorrow morning. I want to go to the gym before work.
Siri: Lol
2010: Didn’t jog
2011: Didn’t jog
2012: Didn’t jog
2013: Didn’t jog
2014: Haven’t jogged~ This is a running joke
Is this a make-up removing cloth or 60 grit sandpaper?
Pay me and I’ll tell you whether or not your kid is actually cute.
Friend: What do your kids like to eat?
Me: Anything that is on my plate, even though it’s also on theirs.
I can’t tell if I lost weight or stretched out my pants beyond the point of no return.
I woke up hoping for an easy morning, then my 3 year old came downstairs and informed me that she wasn’t planning on using her hands today. This should be fun.
You need to let shit go.
~ Buddha
My 3yo said Cheese is her favorite place. I don’t know if I should be worried that she thinks cheese is a place or sad because it’s not.
I love that old saying that goes “If your drink doesn’t kill you make it stronger”… or something like that.
if I am elected governor I will eat your pillow while you sleep and unlike my opponent I will also do it if I am not elected
The first rule of Thesaurus Club is, you don’t talk about, mention, speak of, discuss, chin wag, natter or chat about Thesaurus Club.
I would like to propose Dual-McDonald’s, one side is for people who know what they want because we all have the same order as adults for life and one for people who eat there 3 times a week but pretend they’ve never seen the menu before.
I can’t wait for tomorrow when all of the April Fools’ Day chocolate is on sale.
me at 26: i am a hideous troll
me at 28: *looking at a picture of myself at 26* wow what beauty i once possessed but i wasted it because now i am a hideous troll
me at 30: *looking at a picture of myself at 28* guys, you’re not gonna believe this,
Taco is a crispy sandwich. I will not be taking calls to change my mind.
Me: Dad, how did you guys manage without WhatsApp and SMS ??
Dad: We used to keep useless information to ourselves.
Siri, assemble a list of people who are dead to me.