“Was he better than me?”
“Joe, don’t.”
“I have a right to know!”
“No, he wasn’t better than you.”
[god appears]
“Mary, what the hell?”
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My daughter is yelling at Alexa because it doesn’t know a song she made up. This may be the end of their friendship.
New poster I stuck up at my local train station. I’m looking forward to catching up with everyone.
“your sock has a hole in it” yeah no shit that’s how i get my foot in there linda
Keith Richards would kill on funny twitter
Me: “Oh no, it’s Scream!”
Ghostface: “It’s actually Ghostface.”
Me: {Being stabbed} “Scream, stop!”
Don’t charge people for Twitter itself but charge them every time they tweet
Would stop most of the arguments on here. No way am I spending money debating with Loves_2_Spooge69 on why Spider-man having an extra line on his mask in NWH is ok.
Oh right, like you’ve never let your kids stay lost in a corn maze just a little longer.
People are all like once you turn 30 you never want to leave your house. I was 4.
Birdbox, but it’s just me yelling at you not to look when the lights accidentally come on during sex.
“DOC TELL ME STRAIGHT”
doc: u got lou gherrigs disease
*cops barge in* ur under arrest
“FOR WHAT”
cop: mr gherrig reported a missing disease
17 told me I was “mid.” I don’t know what that means, but I’m going to change the WI-FI password about it.
Therapist: we need to work on YOU taking responsibility for YOUR actions
Me: *pulls a flask out* WHO PUT THIS IN MY PURSE?
*finally drifting off to sleep*
Neighbors dogs at 3AM: BARK BARK BARK-WHO TRYIN’A FUK-BARK BARK BARK
Ok, so we’ve already made them resistant to reason and with an absolute disregard for their own safety. But what if we, and now hear me out, also made them incredibly fast?
—God, creating toddlers
Gosh, some tweeters are super nice.
One guy offered to trim my tree and another one wants to stuff my stockings!
All set.
Little Red Riding Hood found in a critical condition. Paramedics have stabilised her condition, but shes not out of the woods yet.
[at church]
ME: the fabric on these pews is so soft
HER: omg put your pants back on
If someone tells you pick a card, any card take their Visa.
My resume is really just a list of things I never want to do again.
[blind date]
HER: I just wish women were treated equal…You know what I mean?
ME: Absolu-
WAITER: I hate to interrupt but can I take your drink order?
HER: Yes, I’ll have a Manhattan
ME: Make mine a *turns to non-existent camera*…Womanhattan
7YR OLD: dad, when Bruno Mars sings “so many pretty girls around me & they waking up the rocket,” what’s he mean?
ME: he’s a NASA scientist
Me: I had to take your hamster back to the shop
Son: Why
[nervous because I accidentally ran him over with a lawnmower]
Me: He’s a racist
boy: you have really pretty eyes…
me: *suspicious* thank you…???
boy: *leans in slowly*
me: NO!!!! You cant have them!!!!!
I like a bird with purpose. One walking quickly as though late to a business meeting. No time to trifle with you, ma’am.
I went from being mama, mommy, mom, brotato chip, bruh, to now “mother”. So formal all of a sudden.
He asked why I put my stick figures on my dash, not the bumper.
I had to explain that it was an actual photo of my relatives.
Wanna live a long life? Get married. I guarantee you’ll change your mind real quick.
If you took the Facebook IQ Test and it determined you’re a Genius, the fact that you participated in a Facebook test negates the results.