hey boy š is that a gun in your pocket or are you just pleased to see m- oh, it is a gu- yes i will open the cash register
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My key takeaway from Ghostbusters was that once you’re dead, your Miranda rights don’t count for shit.
2 out of 3 isn’t bad. Unless you come home from the park with 2 out 3 kids. Then it’s bad
Old high school classmate: Really? You’re about to have your 4th child?
Me: Are you surprised I like kids?
Him: I’m surprised you had sex.
[First ever Snail Olympics that started 350 million years ago]
Millennial snail announcer: oh shit here they come
The local diner is now selling rolls of toilet paper displayed in the glass case alongside their pie, which is really confusing.
Unless youāve ever eaten their pie.
If I was a mammoth or a ground sloth I would not have gotten stuck in a tar pit it all. when I see a fossil of some creature that got trapped in one I think wow here’s an example of some dead idiot
He was a koi.
She was a squirrel.
Can I make it any less obvious?
If Scooby-Doo taught me anything, it’s that if you want to kill someone, do it in a retirement community, where pets aren’t allowed.
(pretending to be well-read to impress a girl)
War and Peace? Yeah I loved that one
āWhat was your favorite part?ā
Iād have to say the Peace
Go ahead. Order anything you want. Money is no object when we dine at Le Foodcourte du Costco.
My pet name for my manhood, for obvious reasons, is Whitesnake…You know, cuz… “Here I go again on my own”.
I took a girlfriend to a fancy bakery for Valentine’s and she picked out a bunch of things that she then gave to her dad because she said sugary baked goods gave her yeast infections, so really I treated her dad to a really nice Valentine’s Day
HIM: promise you wonāt tell anyone?
ME: yeah! [under my breath] except my best friend
HIM: what?
ME: nothing! [whispering] there is a hierarchy of loyalty and your position on that hierarchy is low
HIM: what did you say?
ME: that ur secretās safe with me š
Turns out my get rich painfully slow scheme isn’t working out either.
I just opened a Capri Sun in the dark, sup ladies
[Weasel & mink are cuddling, watching a nature documentary]
Narrator: …the mink, a close relative of the weasel
Weasel: Oh no Susan oh god
“Archeology is just like search and rescue only everyone’s been dead for 5,000 years, so there’s no rush”
[flops on the ground like a fish whenever I have to make a decision]
[woken up by barking]
wife: oh god it’s an intruder!
me: sssshhh [listens carefully] no, it’s definitely a dog
Every parent who has picked up a toddler and taken them away from a playground while they kick and scream and cry is legally allowed to put ābouncerā on their resumeās work history.
“Marines!”
“SIR, YES SIR!”
“Get ready to deploy at 05:00 sharp–HUGHES WHERE IN THE SHIT ARE YOU GOING!?”
“That’s too early I quit.”
[answers phone during job interview]
What’s the address here? The Pizza Hut guy can’t find me.
As I was being put under for my colonoscopy, I apparently announced to the room, “Y’all are in for a real treat” and then passed out. ššš
what do you get when you cross an octopus with a human?
thrown in jail for public indecency and banned from the aquarium for life.
Tennis players like to do that shout/grunt thing every time they hit the ball and it seems like a fun way to do your job so I’m gonna start doing it every time I send an email
[explaining the plot of my favorite book to my date]
me: so you know how most caterpillars are only a little hungry?
Pennywise does live in the sewer, rent free. That speaks to financial discipline. And he eats children, who are also free. Based on that, I’m gonna say the name is more likely earnest than ironic.
I named my WiFi after my last girlfriend because it’s never fully connected with me. And also because I caught my neighbour using it.
I saw my shadow this morning and it looks like I have six more weeks of dieting.