Instead of ghosting someone, tell them why & what they did wrong. We need less idiots out there
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I had to make an important phone call and now I know my 9-year-old can yodel.
[on Mars]
ASTRONAUT: An alien!
MISSION CONTROL: Ok, so
A: I choke slammed it
MC: What?
A: Another one!
MC: DO NOT CH
A: [choke slam noises]
Just got to our Airbnb!
Me: The floor is lava!
Satan: Yes! We just had it redone. It used to be legos. Nice, right?
Hard to believe the Cubs last won the World Series 108 years ago. Most of them don’t look a day over 30.
nurse: are you allergic to any medicine?
me: laughter
nurse: hahaha. OH MY GOD-
me [face swelling up]: i thold thou.
High school: rough age for some
High fiber: roughage for others
9y.o: “Mom, how many eggs can make an omelette?”
Me: “Well,-“
9: “-I mean, if eggs break, can you still use them?”
Me: …
9: Like, if they smashed all over a floor, could you still make them?”
Me: …
9: “Yeah, so…how do you clean eggs off a floor?”
If you do the Macarena while you cold call people to ask about their political opinions that makes you a poll dancer.
so many songs about heartache but only one about a werewolf loose on the streets of london??
The 80’s called and they want you to stop saying they called.
Some of you should walk a mile in my shoes because then you would be a mile away from me and that would be fantastic. Keep the shoes
therapist: what’s your earliest memory?
me: crying for my mom
therapist: so around what, five?
me: nine this morning
As a teen: hiding in the shed, secretly drinking.
As a dad: hiding in the shed, secretly drinking.
Son: But I’m not hungry!
Me: I heated that pop tart for 22 seconds! You’re gonna eat!
They did not miss in the small print
My bf’s first language is french, and he forgot the word for “lid”, so instead he held up the pot and asked “where is his hat?”
i was just roughed up by a hipster bully. he gave me a knuckle sandwich, but also offered a gluten free alternative
me: [banging head on wall]
wife: honey is something wrong
me: [sobbing] I’M A SHITTY WOODPECKER
Do mens sneezes get louder and louder as they age until they explode?
Husband: Do you know where I put my lava lamp?
Me: 1970.
me: no shoes in the house
murderer: sorry
“it’s the thought that counts” doesn’t include showering. You have to actually do that.
I have an on again on again relationship with my couch.
Me: [going in for a hug]
Loudspeaker: SECURITY TO THE OCTOPUS TANK
If you saw how my wife attacks flying bugs in the house, you’d sleep with a knife under your pillow too.
This isn’t chess folks. Pick a nuggie sauce and move along
my neighbor is SO SWEET she somehow decided all of us neighbors on both sides love wind chimes SO MUCH she bought wind chimes for her backyard
Someone told me their kid was 20 months old so I told them my dog is 14 months old, they weren’t impressed